Page 41 of I'll Look for You, Everywhere
‘Feels like you may have been the only one.’ Her smile falters but she seems to realize her slip and steps out of my legs to walk behind me and check the back of my head. ‘I always found it hard to make friends at that school. Everyone was so serious all the time,’ she says quietly from behind.
‘Yeah, it helped if you knew where to buy weed.’
‘Seriously, how did they let you in that young? I couldn’t imagine being in that school in year three. You were just a baby.’
‘My father is good at getting his way.’ Even though I can’t see her, I feel her weighing my words and I grow nervous with her thinking about him any longer than necessary.
Quickly, I add another factor. ‘And I had a private tutor at the school, got to skip year six because of it, so it was kind of worth it, in the end.’
She pauses, her voice quiet. ‘Wow. That’s intense, even for you. How did you do anything but study?’
I try to brush off her concern but the idea of her worrying about me is so welcome that I struggle to find the words to soothe her. ‘Have you met Dante?’
‘So, if it wasn’t for Dante, do you think you would have still been...?
‘You can say it, Magdalen.’
‘I don’t know how to say it.’
‘Would I have come to school drunk and fucked any girl who looked at me?’ I provide.
Her hand hovers, but the corner of her mouth raises. ‘That’s not exactly how I was going to phrase it, but sure.’
I rub my eyes, feeling tired. Blaming Dante for my teen rebellion feels cheap. I made every choice without any influence. How easily I could have declined it all.
‘How would you have phrased it?’ My voice is gravel, still exhausted by the reminder of all that anger. Scared at how easily it can resurface.
She has stopped cutting my hair. Scissors dropped on the nearby table.
‘I’m not sure.’ She steps around to face me again, arms crossed in front of her. I look up at her and for a moment that’s all there is. Her worry blended with my anger. Confusion and something more. ‘I’d call them your lost years.’
I run my hand through my hair, smiling to find she has only cut it a little below my ears.
‘You look hot with long hair,’ she shrugs apologetically. ‘Fuck what your dad says.’
‘You think I’m beautiful and hot?’
She blinks innocently, pausing before responding. ‘Yes, Theo. I do.’
My stomach clenches, loving how the word yes looks on her lips. I’m so overwhelmed by her that I can’t think of anything to say. ‘Oh,’ I swallow.
‘That’s all the big, bad Sinclair has to say? “Oh”?’
I know I’m going to regret it, but I can’t help the words that tumble out. ‘You’re really beautiful too, Magdalen.’
Magdalen pauses, eyebrows raised like she’s waiting for me to say I’m just kidding. When I don’t take it back, she just rolls her eyes and takes a step away.
‘Do you want to go look at your hair? There’s a better mirror in the bathroom.’
Something about her dismissal doesn’t sit right with me. But I don’t push it, knowing she’s already uncomfortable with the compliment. Standing up, I stretch my arms above my head to wake up the stiff muscles and dust off the fallen hair across my neck. ‘I trust you.’
Magdalen snorts and tosses me my T-shirt. ‘You shouldn’t.’ She winks and goes to grab the broom that stands against the shed. There she goes again, fucking winking. ‘Now leave before Dante asks for one as well.’
‘Thank you, Magdalen.’
‘Any time, Sinclair. I’ll see you later, yeah?’
‘I’ll be the one with the new hair.’
