Page 35 of I'll Look for You, Everywhere
‘Not when I know you have a pile of latex corsets and thongs in that bag.’ His eyes flash with amusement.
‘Why, want to borrow them?’
‘How’d you fucking know.’
I don’t even try to hide my laughter, my stomach cramps as I double over, a mixture of wheezes and incoherent sounds escaping me. When I try to stop the image replaying, it just begins the process all over again. A warm hand settles on my arm, squeezing affectionately. He murmurs ‘dork’ under his breath and my heart flutters. He sighs before quickly taking the hand off and clearing his throat like he didn’t mean to say anything, so I stare at the walkway, confused and not ready to look at him yet. I place my hand over my mouth to control my breathing and, when I look up, Theo’s head is tilted, eyes narrowed as if trying to dissect me with his eyes. A small smile and he shakes his head, looking exasperated. I arch my back to stretch the overused stomach muscles and squint back at him.
‘What?’
‘Your laugh is really ugly.’
I gasp, raising my hand to push his chest, but he catches my wrist before I can make contact. ‘Take it back!’ My breath stops, unsure if I should pull it away. I’m trying to hold on to the anger, to remember how out of line he was, how small he made me feel. He looks down at our intertwined fingers, a slight frown on his brow, as if deciding whether to test out a secret desire. What could you possibly desire, Theo? I want to ask. But I don’t.
‘Can’t take back what’s true, baby.’
My cheeks burn at the pet name. I’m too old to have a crush on my best friend’s brother and the cliché makes me want to open the bag and show him the contents, to laugh about Marta’s attempt to rebrand me, like friends would. But we are not friends; we are in a dark limbo between strangers and acquaintances and every time he touches me he pulls me towards a third exit that I’m unsure he even knows he’s walking towards. So I stay silent, words lost as he spreads his fingers over mine and peers down at me, allowing me a final chance to retract my hand. Noticing I don’t move, Theo slowly presses our hands against his heart so that my palm is trapped beneath his. I’m engulfed by his strong and warm skin and the feeling makes me dizzy, unsure of what’s going on. The force of his grip causes me to step forward and, just like on the dance floor, our bodies are mere inches apart. My pulse quickens as he looks at me searchingly, fingers nuzzling my hand closer to his chest, a thumb brushing across my knuckles. A muscle feathers in his jaw as if realizing how ridiculous we must look, and he drops my hand. Why is it every time he touches me, he looks in pain?
‘Are you on your period?’
He chokes on the air, eyes widening at my question. ‘It ended yesterday. Why?’
So this is why everyone loves him – an answer for fucking everything.
‘Well, I just can’t figure out your mood swings. You tell me to get in your car, you tell me to fuck off, you tell me you see me, you tell me to fuck off.’ I list each offence on my hand, and wiggle the remaining pinkie. ‘What’s it going to be next?’
He rubs his face with his hand and stares at the boutique for a moment. Humour gone, a thick wave of tension fills the small space between us and I almost want to apologize for making him so uncomfortable. But before I have time to realize how incredibly submissive that would be, he whispers so softly I think it’s the wind tickling my ear.
‘I’m sorry.’
‘Not an answer.’
‘Would you like me to tell you to fuck off, Magdalen? Accept the apology and move on.’ His eyes darken, daring me to say anything else, and for some reason, his answer sends a wave of heat to my cheeks.
‘If that’s what you want to do.’ My voice becomes small, unrecognizable to my own ears.
‘What I want shouldn’t be talked about so early in the morning.’ His voice is low as his eyes lazily dip to the exposed part of my midriff before looking up at me again. Suddenly feeling dizzy and somehow naked, I can’t think of anything to say. My mouth opens but I close it again and, before I have time to formulate any coherent response, he huffs.
‘But hopefully, that will be resolved tonight.’ He is holding a torn piece of paper that shows a scribbled phone number on it. He looks at it again, shrugs, and shoves it back in his pocket.
‘Like you never left,’ I mumble, wanting to escape this awkwardness, mortified that I thought he was insinuating anything remotely intimate with me. I’m the younger sister, and growing a few inches taller doesn’t magically change that. Every time I think I am growing up, I’m reminded of how naive I can be. I reach for my bags, ready to walk back to the train station and sulk in my stupidity.
Theo eyes me while pulling out a pack of cigarettes from his back pocket. Observing me with casual indifference, I feel exposed and intimidated under his gaze. Does he enjoy making me uncomfortable?
‘And here I thought you didn’t keep up with what...’ he pauses, lighting one of the cigarettes and letting it hover between his lips, ‘or who I did.’
If there was any air left inside me, I would most likely choke. ‘More like you never even bothered to keep up with me.’
‘Semantics.’
‘Okay,’ I shrug. ‘Semantics.’
Smirking, he shakes his head disapprovingly. ‘That’s all you got, little Savoy? Okay?’
Discomfort turns into anger. ‘Should I show you the number of who I’m fucking so we can compare?’
The cigarette in his mouth wavers but his eyes remain fixed on me. Slowly, he plucks it with his thumb and index and exhales.
‘Careful – if I find out who, I might not be the only one with a black eye.’
