Page 16 of I'll Look for You, Everywhere
‘Of course.’
‘Oh, that’s not necessary.’ Magdalen becomes flustered with sudden agitation, and I can’t help but wonder: Does she not want me to drive her? Does she not trust me enough to drive?
‘I’ll walk. Seriously, it’s fine! So that you can keep your car here! You’ve done enough.’ She looks at Anika, silently begging for her to agree, as the unspoken judge, jury and executioner in all familial cases.
‘Nope.’ She takes another drag and points at me again. ‘He will take you. He’s been chugging water all night.’ She drops the cigarette on the ground and buries it in the red abyss with her heel. I think of its sudden fossilization, a reminder of blood and ribbons and dancing with this strange girl. A reminder of seeing Magdalen for what feels like the first time.
Anika’s voice snaps me from my thoughts.
‘I’ll see you tomorrow, Maggie!’ She waddles towards Magdalen in her stilettos and grabs her face tenderly, planting a loud kiss on her cheek. ‘Call me if you need anything, okay?’ Magdalen gives a tight smile but Anika seems satisfied. Turning around to toss me the keys to her car, she narrows her eyes. ‘Take care of her,’ Anika says. ‘I mean it.’ Before I can respond, she trails behind Jo and Dante back into the tennis club, swatting Dante’s ass as she passes him.
The invisible string that connects Anika and Magdalen snaps the second Anika turns around. Magdalen sags in place. It doesn’t take a genius to see she’s in pain, looking frail standing in the darkness of the parking lot. I watch as her knees tremble slightly and I silently reach for her arm and once again slip my hand across her skin. I try not to think about how soft she is, how badly I want to tighten my hands around her waist. I move us forward, towards the car.
‘Sorry.’ Her eyes are closed but shadowed with shame.
‘Please stop apologizing.’ My anger has not subsided but grows with each apologetic word.
‘I’ve ruined your first night back. I think I’m granted the right to say sorry,’ she bites back, and turns out of my grip to walk to the car, her hand on the car door handle. My hands feel cold without her. I stifle a laugh at her choosing to be pissy, but falter as I catch a glimpse of her back. Blood. Everywhere. Her entire shirt is soaked through.
My voice comes out rough: ‘Magdalen, stop.’
She turns to look at me, face pale but stern, shadows dancing across the hollows of her cheekbones. ‘What is it?’
‘Your back.’ My jaw clenches. ‘There’s so much blood,’ I choke out.
‘Oh.’ She nervously chews her bottom lip. ‘Well, it’ll have to wait until we get home. Just need to wash it off is all.’ Her voice is trembling.
‘Fuck no.’ My annoyance comes back. ‘We have to go to the hospital.’
Her eyes widen and she takes a step back. ‘Absolutely not.’
‘Why not?’
‘It’s late, I’m tired and it’s just a few scratches on my back. I swear. It looks like a lot of blood, but it’s nothing really. You know how pesky little cuts can be. Please, just take me home.’
‘No. Turn around.’
Magdalen presses herself against the car. ‘I said no, Theodore.’
‘I’m not giving you an option. If I have to pin you down to look, I will. Now what’s the fucking problem?’ I take a silent step forward. ‘Spit it out.’
‘But, I’m not...’ she groans, running her hands through her hair. The red ribbon remains untouched from the accident, the warm wind blowing it away from her face.
‘You’re not what?’ I feel my patience wearing, knowing with each minute her back bleeds more.
She stares at her feet, which trace abstract shapes in the red gravel. Her voice drops to a whisper. ‘Fine! Oh my god. I’m not wearing a bra and if I take my shirt off, I’ll have to, you know...’ Her hands fly in front of her chest, gesturing to her breasts. ‘... take my shirt off.’
I take a sharp breath in, my gaze lowering to her breasts that peek through her white tank top. The chilled air has caused a perfect outline of her to show through the translucent fabric and my throat seizes.
‘Theo!’ she gasps quickly, covering her boobs with her hands. ‘That wasn’t an invitation to look!’
I blink, not realizing I was still looking. ‘First off, I could give less of a shit that you’re not wearing a bra. I’ve seen boobs before, Magdalen. I can guarantee you that yours are the same as every other woman’s. Second, if you think I and every other person here didn’t notice your lack of bra prior to this moment, you severely underestimate the male gaze. And thirdly,’ I take a breath in, anger resurfacing in full force, ‘if you don’t let me see your back in the next five seconds, I swear to fucking god I will rip that pathetic excuse for a shirt off your body.’
A flash of hurt briefly touches her eyes but she quickly blinks it away and sighs. My heart rate settles, and I know I’ve won.
She rolls her eyes. ‘Since when did you get so demanding?’
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