Page 69 of I'll Look for You, Everywhere
‘This feels awkward,’ I manage to say. ‘I feel awkward.’
‘Magdalen, you don’t have to feel—’ He takes a step forward and I flinch again, retreating further down the aisle.
‘I want to forgive you,’ I whisper. ‘I want to be fun and flirty.’ My throat is oddly tight and the tears from earlier pool in the corner of my eyes. I try to blink a few times but everything is just blurrier.
He opens his mouth but I cut him off before he can say anything, feeling brave in the mythology section of this bookstore. I speak slowly, saying the words as if I’m reciting from one of the books off the shelves.
‘The only reason you’re kissing me is because you’re too afraid to fucking talk to anyone else.’ I repeat the words that have haunted me since that night and it’s the first time I’ve said them out loud. It’s Theo’s turn to flinch, his face falling. But instead of stepping back, of pushing me further away, he pushes towards me.
‘You have to know...’ His hands hover over my shoulders again but at the last second he drops them. ‘Shit. I’m so sorry. You have to know that I only said that because I—’ He cuts himself off and it’s my turn to step closer.
‘Because you didn’t want Anika to find out?’
‘Magdalen, I couldn’t give a fuck about Anika knowing.’
‘Then what?’ I search his face for any clue but his eyes are closed off, careful to not give anything away. ‘If not Anika, then Dante?’
He sighs and shakes his head. I step closer and brush my pinkie against his wrist. It’s the most I can offer, but his eyes immediately look down at where we’re touching. He turns his hand so that his fingers brush against mine slowly and, taking his own pinkie finger, he curls it so that it’s holding mine.
‘You think I’d let Dante stop me from having you?’ His voice is strained, sounding utterly distraught.
‘Then what was it, Theo? What did I do wrong?’
His eyes shoot up to mine, brows furrowed in confusion, in anger. He blinks. ‘You think you did something wrong?’
‘How could I not when you basically said as much?’
‘Magdalen, I haven’t stopped thinking about your body in my hands since that night,’ he says, voice low. His eyes are dark as he releases my little finger and snakes his hands around my hips and up my sides, squeezing for a moment before settling them on my neck, his thumb absentmindedly brushing against my throat. ‘I think about your lips; about how delicious you taste.’ He lets out a small, almost involuntary groan and presses his forehead against mine. ‘My god, I have thought about being inside of you every morning since, amore.’
My body flushes at the thought of Theo thinking about me by himself and, for a second, I let myself believe him. To leave my hurt in Torino. But as much as I want this, as much as I want him, I think of how dirty I felt the morning after. Stained.
‘What was it, then?’ I repeat, refusing to let this go.
He stills, lost in his own words, the memory flush between us. I watch reality settle in his eyes again and he grimaces. ‘I can’t.’ He steps back. ‘I know that’s not what you want to hear but I can’t, I can’t—’ He swallows hard, releasing his hands from my neck but still almost pressed against me.
‘Please,’ I beg, reaching for his hand. ‘I need to know why.’
Theo winces. ‘If it meant I could have you to myself, believe me, I would tell you in a heartbeat. But you have to trust me, Magdalen. I know, I know, you shouldn’t, but just promise you’ll be with me this summer. I won’t let you down.’
You’ll be with me this summer.
‘Okay,’ I sigh. ‘I’ll give you the weekend.’ I don’t know why I agree. Emily screams in my subconscious, furious I’d let someone seduce me with blatant secrets on the table.
‘Summer,’ he corrects.
‘We’ll see if you want me that long.’
‘I want you for as long as you’ll have me.’
I roll my eyes, unable to help myself, looking off to the side to get a respite from his intensity.
‘I’m quite serious. I think about you more than I fucking should.’ He raises his hand and grazes his knuckles against my cheek gently. My eyes flutter closed at his hands on my skin.
‘How much?’ I nuzzle further into his touch.
‘Fuck off.’ I hear him smile. ‘Don’t make me say it out loud.’
‘I think about you, too.’ I open my eyes. ‘More than I fucking should.’
