Page 59 of I'll Look for You, Everywhere
‘I guess so.’
‘When did you get back home?’ he asks.
‘A few weeks ago.’
‘I thought you’d be one of those who never came back to Chivasso.’
‘I tried, but then my sister fell in love.’
He furrows his brow, making it a point to switch between looking at my left eye and right, as if he’s trying to read my mind and wants me to know it. ‘Why don’t you like home?’
God, he sounds like a psychiatrist.
‘That’s a tough question.’ I sip my beer, somehow already warm. The fuzzy ache I feel whenever I think of my childhood reappears for a moment, even after a decade. ‘I guess I felt a little unincluded in my own life.’
I don’t mean to tell the truth. Blinking away the feeling of hot tears, I try to smile, but I assume I look insane. Roberto smiles back stiffly and I feel terrible that I’ve wasted his night.
‘That’s funny you say that.’ He takes an even larger sip of his wine than I did of my beer, as if preparing for his speech. Is this a competition? I sip my beer just in case it is.
‘I’ve also been grappling with identity. My last girlfriend, well, let’s just say she had no room for social cognition, you know?’
I go over his words in my head and realize that I, in fact, do not know. It strikes me as odd how quickly I agreed to this date because I thought I knew Roberto, when I have no fucking clue who he turned out to be.
‘Totally,’ I contribute.
‘Thank you! I have an inner social circle that requires replenishment, and in the end, we mutually agreed that we weren’t compatible – personality-wise.’
Roberto’s face has gone slightly clammy around the edges, and the blue outline of a vein has suddenly appeared in the middle of his forehead, throbbing with vengeance. It’s not his fault. We all have veins. I suspect if I didn’t spend my time memorizing Theo’s face, I wouldn’t have ever noticed this about Roberto.
‘So what do you study at university?’ I try to switch up the conversation and, surprise surprise, find out he is studying to be a psychiatrist. The conversation soon circles back to his ex, however.
By the hour mark, I truly believe I’m having a stroke. Trying to connect his words into understandable sentences, I draw a blank each time. But it seems I’m saying all the right things for Roberto to continue his monologue about his ex, Camille, whom he feels no need to stop talking about. She’s studying to be a paediatric nurse in Milan. She has a cat named Sylvia, because La Dolce Vita is her favourite Fellini film. She’s a Gemini who does angel dust more often than Roberto likes. But he loves her. And I feel sad for both of us, out on a Thursday night with the wrong person.
After the first beer, I settle deeper into the hard, creaky chair. Familiar with the dull sensation of being talked at.
My gaze wanders to his hands, and I notice the nail on his right middle finger is much longer than the rest. Some dirt is caked underneath it, and his cuticles are sprouting like wildflowers. I stop paying attention to what he’s saying after that.
34
THEO
‘I know you’re pissed off at me, but if we don’t leave now, Anika, we’re going to get there at midnight.’
She turns on the hairdryer even though I know she never uses the hairdryer during the summer, and I can do nothing but sigh and go back to my room to wait.
A weekend in Alassio with Anika, Magdalen, Dante, Lucia and Maio. While normally I’d be psyched for a trip like this, I’ve been anxious to see Magdalen since yesterday. Do I apologize first? Do I ask her how the date went? I think about her in those jeans and wonder if he touched her leg under the table, feeling the length of her thigh. I have no right, I remind myself. No right to wonder when their night ended, or if it’s continuing as I sit here, knee bouncing with nerves, waiting until it’s appropriate to sprint downstairs and watch the front door for the next Savoy to leave.
Roberto Almeno, who I deduced was the fucking mystery man, went to primary and secondary school with Magdalen and only now insists on taking her out as soon as she’s back home. Get in line, buddy.
Then a heavy knock interrupts and the brief moment with Magdalen fades.
‘Busy?’ My father leans against the door frame as if physically unable to enter my room.
‘What’s up?’
‘Heading out soon?’ He looks at his watch, letting me know he’s disappointed. ‘Traffic will be congested if you wait any longer.’
I sigh. ‘Yeah, I know, just waiting for Anika to finish up in the bathroom.’
