Page 44 of I'll Look for You, Everywhere
Don’t fucking look, Theo. You know how it’ll end. Trying to shake the desire to look at her again, I bite down on my bottom lip until I’m sure I’ve drawn blood. But it’s no use. Just for a second. Just to see if maybe she is thinking about looking at me too.
I uncross my legs, shift in my seat.
I look. I look and wish that I hadn’t, but it’s too late now. Her eyes are wide and amused as she looks back and forth between Anika and Dante, laughing as Anika tries to stand up again. Magdalen hurriedly pulls on her wrist to keep her sitting but it’s no use, Anika is too strong when she’s passionate. Magdalen’s arm stretches to reach Anika, causing her dress to raise a few innocent inches. Pink silk pulled taut against her body, showing the delicate shape of her waist. It feels so wrong to look at her and imagine how easy it would be to slip off that dress and watch it float in a puddle of silk by her ankles. I hear myself coughing before I realize I am, something physical to shake the thoughts out of my mind.
Dante whips his head round at the sound. ‘You good, bro?’
His concern causes everyone at the table to turn their heads and stare at me. And, despite everyone watching, waiting for a response, I open my mouth to find I can’t answer. Magdalen shifts to look at me. Our eyes meet and because there’s still a chance to pretend, I know that for as long as she lets me, I cannot look away. The familiar pink stains her cheeks but her gaze does not falter. Instead, she raises her eyebrows, silently challenging me to look away first. I sit forward, my eyes remained fixed on her as I casually lean my elbows on the table, trying not to smile at her adorable determination. Not a chance, Magdalen.
‘Yeah, I’m fine.’ The words release everyone from having to stare but instead of directing it towards Dante like I should, I hold her gaze. Vittoria and Mum continue to chat; our fathers shake their heads about something ancient and troublesome, no doubt. I feel everyone settle back into routine but she continues to look, head tilted in amusement, lips quirked in a tempting smile. And, just as I’m about to say something to her, Dante uses his knife to tap on the side of his wine glass loudly.
‘I’d like to say something.’ He looks towards me and for a moment I think he caught me staring at his sister. My blood goes cold. Trying to replay the moment to see if I was that obvious, feeling guilty when he so clearly said she was unavailable to me. Turning my body away from her, I grab my wine glass so harshly it spills over the edge and onto the tablecloth. Clearing my throat, I wait for Dante to continue. He looks at me again, then Magdalen, and then breathes out through his nose before glancing at the rest of the party.
‘I’d like to say that I believe love is a rare thing that not everyone gets a chance at.’
Anika tries to snort but I can tell she’s caught off guard. Dante is rarely serious.
‘When Lucia told us she was getting married, I don’t think anyone was shocked. She’s always been the bravest of all of us. I think love is the scariest adventure of all,’ he chuckles self-effacingly. Anika smiles quietly, looking towards Lucia proudly.
‘It’s a brave thing to know what you want. Even braver to seize it. You travelled the entire world and knew that your heart was always down the street.’ He stares at Lucia and Maio, who clasp hands tightly underneath the table. His voice cracks. ‘Congrats, you fuckers.’ He raises his glass, shrugging before downing the entire drink. ‘Sorry, Mamma.’
Immediately as he sits down, Lucia runs around the table and embraces him from behind.
My father claps loudly, rubbing his eyes as if annoyed. ‘Alright, enough with the sop. Why don’t the kids get their food first.’ He gestures to the buffet up the stairs and goes back to downing his drink. How many has he had since we got here?
I shake my head and stand up with the rest of the children. Dante, Anika, Lucia, Maio and Jo begin walking towards the buffet that hides behind the hanging vines and up the small wooden stairs. But from the corner of my eye, I see Magdalen quickly step in front of everyone and jog up the stairs, disappearing behind the greenery. I frown. Where the fuck are you running to?
25
MAGDALEN
Smoothing down my dress, I take a deep breath and step into the buffet room. The inside of Imbarco Perosino is dimly lit by candelabras scattered throughout the small space and, while beautiful, it’s almost impossible to see where you’re going. In the centre of the space are the two oak tables draped in heavy tablecloths with silver platters of food. But my eyes barely glance at the dishes. I brush past the couple in front of me, squinting to make out which one he is, but their uniforms are all the same. I clear my throat. He left, which is understandable. I shouldn’t have expected him to wait for me when he’s clearly working. Walking towards the table, I pick up a plate and stare at the food without really seeing anything. My hand extends to the serving spoon when I feel someone tap my shoulder.
‘I told you to wait for me,’ a deep voice startles me. ‘I can get you the good stuff.’ Spinning on my heel, I see Roberto standing with his hands clasped behind his back, one eyebrow raised as he eyes the empty plate.
Setting the plate down, I turn to face him and we both look at one another for a moment, before laughing in unison.
‘I looked for you!’ I squeal, not recognizing the high tone of my voice, of this girl who sneaks off to look for boys while at a family dinner.
‘What? For three minutes? I had to restock the napkins in the back.’ He continues smiling, humour clear in his eyes. ‘I wouldn’t ditch you, Mags.’
‘But, the food—’
‘Ah, I should have known. You only haven’t seen me in, what, two years? But the food, yes. The food is obviously more important.’
‘Are you done, Roberto?’
‘Are you going to give me the hug I’ve been waiting for since I heard you were back?’
I sigh, feeling glad for Roberto Almeno, the only boy from secondary school I ever spoke to. He was a theatre kid with the voice of a young Ezio Pinza who biked to the tennis club almost every day after school. We didn’t talk much, but we saw each other enough for me to almost feel comfortable around him.
Lifting my hands up, I stand with open arms waiting for Roberto to hug me.
‘Finally,’ Roberto grins as he scoops me into his arms, my legs dangling off the ground for a moment as he squeezes me tightly.
But as he sets me down, another voice interrupts behind us. My heart sinks. I hate how aware I am of Theo’s presence. Roberto laughs about something but I can’t hear anything, my mind only on Theo standing behind me. When I turn around, pretending to focus on a napkin that has fallen, I look up to see him at the far end of the buffet table. He says something to Dante but stares at me with an empty plate in his hand. I smile. What else should I do? He sighs, looking down at his empty plate for a long moment before looking back up and returning a lopsided grin. It isn’t a smile with any particular layers. I remind myself that he is not jealous or even mildly interested in my conversation with Roberto, because we’re just friends. He was curious for a moment and then his curiosity was satisfied. This is what friends do. We smile, we acknowledge, and we move on.
‘Would you want to?’ Roberto asks.
