Page 107 of I'll Look for You, Everywhere
Theo bends forward to take the glass out of my grip and some of his hair falls in front of his face. ‘I’m sorry I keep taking these firsts.’ I can feel his breath on my neck and I struggle not to close my eyes at his nearness. I can smell the clean laundry, the sandalwood, the last night in Alassio. If I lean forward just a little, his hair would brush against my cheek.
‘Why are you sorry?’ Why did you let them get away with it? Tell me again, so maybe this time, I’ll understand.
His fingers wrap around mine, pulling me up, and immediately his hands are around my hips, gripping tightly. ‘Because I want them all.’
After his first night back, it was clear I had been waiting for him. Waiting to give him all my firsts. The truth is easier than trying to deny my feelings. ‘I think you already took all I have to offer.’
His eyes search mine painfully and he takes a step closer so we’re almost flush against each other. He dips his head so that his lips brush against the high point of my cheekbone and he sighs sadly before whispering, ‘He knows.’
Frowning, I try to look at him, to understand what he means, but he turns his head and leads me to the dance floor.
‘What are you talking about?’ There are three other couples on the floor, so he chooses an empty spot before whirling me around, snaking one hand around my waist while the other takes my hand and places it behind his neck.
‘I should have told you in the backyard.’
‘What? Dexter knows that I know?’
Theo shakes his head. ‘No, no. Your father.’ He looks towards my papa, who sits at the head table, watching us while eating a slice of cake. When he sees us both looking at him, he drops his fork and waves, smiling happily. ‘He’s known for some time.’
If it wasn’t for Theo’s arm guiding me as we dance, I’m not sure I’d still be standing up straight. The lights of the candles begin to blur and I’m aware of a faint ringing in my ear. He’s known. He’s known. He has known.
‘What do you mean, he’s known?’
‘I lied when I said you’re the only person I told. I told him, the night... remember the night I got these bloody tattoos in Egypt? I told him everything. About the attic, Vittoria, E.T. I said it all to him. At this point, the guilt was consuming me and that trip was the first time I had stepped out of Chivasso – it finally felt like his hand wasn’t around my throat any more.’
I swallow the tears as I look to my father again, still staring at us with smiling eyes. ‘And what did he say?’
‘He said don’t worry. And that he was sorry. He apologized to me – I couldn’t believe it. This man’s business partner and wife are fucking behind his back and he’s apologizing to me.’ Theo shakes his head, his voice far away, and I know he’s back in Egypt, next to my papa.
‘How special it is that I love her enough to forgive the both of them. You will not understand. My children will never understand. But as long as she and I can still sit side by side at the kitchen table, I am happy to be loved this way.’
The song ends, and another begins.
‘That is not love.’ My voice is hoarse, ruined.
‘To him it is.’
‘So I’m not supposed to say anything?’ How devastating. To know my one example of true love was doomed from the start. I think back to being a child and watching them kiss on lazy Sundays, and it makes me want to scream. Deep down, did I know their kisses were poisoned?
‘My sweet girl.’ He lets go of my waist and cradles his fingers around the base of my head to look at him. ‘Our parents’ mistakes don’t have to bleed into our choices, right?’
I sniffle. ‘Are you quoting me?’
His thumb brushes against my upper lip and he smiles crookedly. ‘I’ve spent most of my days thinking about things you’ve said this summer.’
If love is the kitchen table, a bowl of softening fruit, knowing when to hug instead of kiss, then it seems obvious that I must confess. Even if he’ll never reciprocate. It’s time to be brave.
‘I love you, Theo.’
His face crumples and he tries to look away, but I bring my fingers to his chin, keeping him looking at me.
‘No.’ Theo blinks rapidly a few times and lets go of my neck. His eyes instantly fill with tears. Our gentle dance comes to a pause, just us now standing on the dance floor. ‘Magdalen, no. I mean, fuck. I have done nothing but hurt you. I’m really not worth loving.’
‘How can you say that?’ I step forward where he has stepped back, determined to show through the trembling of my fingers in his hair that this is love.
‘You have changed summer for me,’ I whisper. ‘Instead of sunlight, I’ll now think of you.’
‘Magdalen.’ He breathes out my name, dipping his forehead to rest against mine. ‘Since the moment I saw you in the grass.’
