Page 53 of Flock
For two days after I left him without a goodbye, I ignored his texts, and for those two days he left me alone on the line at work. He’s been unapologetic.
When I don’t respond, he doesn’t grovel. It’s what I had expected, even though we’d had some amazing angry sex. But it wasn’t exactly make-up sex, at least for me. I’m still pissed he didn’t defend me. Though with Sean, I’ve come to expect the unexpected.
It would be easier for me if I understood why he let a man who he considers a brother treat me so shitty.
So for now, I’m fine with mad.
I decide to pull back no matter what. Honestly, getting feelings for someone so soon is dangerous for a girl like me.
Am I creating drama for the sake of it?
I believe Sean about a lot of his observations. One, in particular, is that we’re programmed in a lot of ways. Of course we are, but another part of me knows that we can program or, better yet, taint ourselves in different ways.
Through patterns of my past, I’ve learned that I’m drawn to dysfunction, and more so to the men who provide the questions.
I’m determined not to repeat my mistakes.
I have a misplaced theory that if you’re not suffering, you’re not loving hard enough, deep enough—and that’s just not healthy.
I gave Brad my heart and virginity, and we broke up because he thought I expected too much.
With Jared, it was the same. I’d almost forgiven him for cheating on me, almost.
But then I chose myself.
The truth is, I do expect a lot out of my love story and the man I’ll share it with.
I expect passion and butterflies, and one or two fairy tale moments. When we fight, I want it to hurt. When we fuck, I want to feel it with every fiber of my being. When a man confesses his love to me, I expect him to mean it. I don’t want to question the words’ authenticity. I want to be claimed and owned and ruled and possessed by love.
Is that expecting too much?
Maybe it is—maybe I’ve read one too many love stories.
From what I’ve learned so far, maybe I do expect too much.
Especially if I can’t get the man I’m falling for to defend me.
Did I cause the drama? No. Dominic did.
Did I expect too much from Sean?
It breaks my heart to think I might have. That he’s incapable of being who I hope he would be because he’s given me so much of what I want already.
Should I compromise to keep him? Hell no.
Sean was wrong. Dominic was wrong. I am taking up for myself.
I’ve lived through two bad examples and know enough to see the warning signs.
Some part of me thinks that my sickly heart was inherited; coded in my genes. Not only that, but I’ve also watched my mom fall in and out over the years with the same sort of reckless regard for her own well-being, always one-upping her last disaster with a bigger one and hoping for the biggest payoff.
It’s only since she started dating her latest boyfriend that she’s calmed that part of herself. But inside, I know she’s never gotten that payoff. She struggled for years to find a man to give her those feelings but settled instead. She gave up, and we both know it.
Even though I vowed to be different from my mother in the way I live my life, we have the same disease. We crave the all-consuming, soul-stealing, drama-filled romances that are destined to end badly. I inherited my heart from her, and it’s relentless.
Though I’m fearful, I can’t give up. Finding love is the mecca of what I dream for myself. I have other dreams, dreams enough to hold me. A fulfilling career is a no-brainer, but finding that once-in-a-lifetime love is non-negotiable. While my life has been riddled with shitty examples, I still believe it exists.
My greatest hope is to be in all-consuming love. My biggest fear is to be in all-consuming love.
