Page 30 of Faith for the Cowboy
“I know so. I’ve seen it with my own two eyes. You two just seem so right for each other. I hope she sticks around for a very long time.”
“Thanks, Mom. I hope so too. But to be honest, I don’t know. Things are good between us.” He paused and thought about her decisions regarding faith and the way she had been telling him she was praying and reading her Bible. He didn’t know how that was going to work between them. “But I don’t know what her plans are. At some point she wants to be back on the rodeo circuit.”
“Who knows?” Mom shrugged. “Sometimes people change their minds. Or sometimes people’s goals change.” She smiled. “Especially when they meet someone.”
“Part of me wants to hope that she will change her mind. I want to wish that she would stay here and that we could build a future together. But I don’t want to ask her to give up what she loves for me. I don’t think she would want me to do that.”
“Son, what is it that you want to do? I know you haven’t wanted to talk about things after your father’s heart attack, but you started a conversation that we haven’t finished. Are you really unhappy at the ranch?”
Lawson sighed and sank into the chair. “I don’t know anymore. Yes, I have been feeling tired of being here. I guess I just feel like there’s no room for me to grow or do anything different. But after Dad’s heart attack, I know I’m needed at the ranch. Dad’s gonna need me.”
“We’ve always wanted you to have dreams and goals. We didn’t mean that you always had to work on the ranch if you had other things that you wanted to do. I guess we just got so used to starting you boys out early and never stopping to ask if there was something else you wanted. But I’m asking now. Is there something that you want to do? Because if there is, we will support you and help you, however we can.”
Lawson stared at his mom for a moment, seriously considering telling her about the rodeo, but that seemed silly. He liked competing, but that was never going to be a career. Maybe he just needed a change. Or maybe he needed his own specialty at the ranch. But no, he couldn’t burden her with that now. She had too much to worry about with Dad. He shook his head. “No, I don’t have any other plans. I just want to be needed, and seen for who I am, and I want to be helpful. I’m not going anywhere, Mom.”
Mom moved forward and put her arm around him. “I know we were strict while you were growing up, and we pushed you. But it was because we wanted you to learn to work hard and do your best at whatever you wanted to do. If you felt like that meant you could only work at the ranch, I’m very sorry. And if you decide that there’s something else out there for you, I want you to tell me.”
Lawson swallowed, pushing his emotions down. “Thanks, Mom, that means a lot to me.”
21
The pastor said, “As we come to the conclusion of our message today,” and Lawson’s head jerked up. He had zoned out. Maybe he had stopped listening altogether months ago.
Pastor Judson continued. “Forgiveness is not merely a suggestion but a command from our Lord. In the Lord's Prayer, we are taught to pray, "Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.” Jesus emphasizes this in Matthew 6:14-15: ‘For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.’
“We must recognize that forgiveness is a journey, often challenging and filled with struggle. It requires us to let go of our pain, anger, and desire for revenge, trusting in God's justice and mercy. As Paul writes in Ephesians 4:31-32, ‘Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.’
“Let us take this to heart, allowing God's grace to help us forgive. Before we pray, I want to remind you to continue praying for the Macklin family. Lydia and the Macklin sons have asked me to say thank you to all of you for your help and support. They’ve enjoyed the meals you’ve brought. I know so many of you have been the recipient of a meal from Lydia over the years, and it’s been a joy to be able to give back to her in that way. We’re so grateful for the Lord’s hand over James, and for His provision in their time of need through all of you.”
Lawson closed his eyes as the pastor prayed, but he hardened his heart against the words. As soon as church was over, he whispered to Harper that he wanted to go. He had no desire to speak to the church members and hear all of them say how they were praying for his dad. He walked out of the church and headed toward his vehicle, holding Harper’s hand in his.
They climbed in the truck, but before he could leave the parking lot, Harper stopped him. “Is everything alright?” she asked.
Lawson shook his head. “I don’t know. I don’t know what to think anymore. I know that I came to church today because my parents expect me to do it. I also know that you wanted to come to church today. I feel like everything we talked about when we first met, you’ve done a complete one-eighty on. And that’s your prerogative. I’m not gonna tell you that you can’t believe. I’m just not sure what that means for us.”
Harper pressed her lips together in thought. Finally, she looked him in the eyes. “I agree. I don’t know what that means for us. When we first met, I was bitter and angry. I couldn’t understand why God had let things happen to me that have happened in my life, so I chose to believe that He didn’t care. I wouldn’t go so far as to say that I believed there wasn’t a God. There’s too much in creation to not believe that something created it and planned it. But I just couldn’t see how He could care if He let bad things happen.”
Lawson jumped in. “Yes, exactly. That’s exactly how I feel.”
Harper held up a hand. “But Lawson, that’s not right. Yes, bad things happen in the world. That’s because of sin and the brokenness that came into the world through it. I know that I have sinned in my life. And I’m sure you know that you have too. Everyone has. So instead of focusing on God allowing bad things to happen, I started to focus on the fact that God sent His Son. Despite all of the bad things that people do, God wanted to be with us, and He sent His Son to die. That was the ultimate bad thing that could’ve happened. Now I see things more clearly, and I don’t want to live my life mad at God. I want to walk with Him. I want to know Him and follow Him and trust that, in the end, everything will work out for good.”
“I can respect that. But I’m sorry, I don’t believe it. I don’t feel the same way.”
“I was afraid you might say that. I won’t stop praying that God will speak to your heart and that you will follow Him. But I also respect your opinion and your decision. But you’re right to think that we can’t go on like this if we have these beliefs. I don’t think that we can build a relationship when we feel so differently about something that’s so important.”
“I don’t want to break up,” Lawson said quickly.
“I know. But this is too important. I think we need some time apart. I haven’t wanted to tell you yet, but I got a call to come photograph at a rodeo next week. I hadn’t decided, but now I think I have. I need to go. I’ll be honest. I’m not really sure what my future looks like, but while I figure it out, I’m going to continue to do the thing that I love.”
Lawson wanted to argue, but he didn’t see any point. “I care about you, Harper. And I want you to be happy. I would never ask you to stop doing what you love. I just don’t know how we can make it work for us.”
Harper gave him a sad smile. “Lawson, I know this isn’t what you want to hear and that you don’t agree with me, but I believe if we are supposed to be together, God will make a way. I don’t know what that looks like, but He does. So I’m gonna trust Him and not worry. I care about you too, Lawson, a great deal. And I love your family. They’ve taken me in, and I feel like I always have a place I can come back to. But for now, this is what I need to do.”
“I understand. I don’t like it, but I understand. You’re right, you’re welcome back here anytime. I’ll give you some space, but I’ll be thinking about you every single day.”
22
Lawson made his way into the house, which was quieter than normal. Maybe everyone was already eating. Was he that late to dinner? He glanced at his watch—no, he was actually a little early. His footsteps echoed down the hallway as he made his way into the kitchen. When he saw no one there, he turned to the dining room.
