Page 32 of Faith for the Cowboy
Colton cleared his throat. "I love working the ranch, but I would like to know more about the business side of things. I know we don’t like to talk about it, but what happened to Dad is serious. I know Sawyer knows how to run things now, but what if something happens to you? We all need to know more about the accounts and balance sheets.”
Sawyer nodded thoughtfully. "You’re right. We can work on that. Katie keeps excellent records, so any of you are welcome to look at those at any time. But I’ll be happy to teach you about the business.”
Garrett chimed in. "Elise and I have been talking about what it will look like when we start a family. I mean, besides caring for her brothers, we would like kids of our own someday. I know we’ve covered for each other when needed, but it would be nice to have time off for vacation with the kids. I know I could ask, but it’s hard to do that without feeling guilty. Maybe we could create a vacation system, so it feels even.”
"That seems reasonable," Sawyer said. "But all of these are things about how to run the ranch better, not about wanting to do something else.”
Jenson chuckled. "I guess we don’t have any ideas about that." He glanced at Lawson. "But it’s okay if anyone else does. Lawson?”
Lawson looked around the table, making eye contact with each of his brothers as he thought. “Actually, I think I’m pretty happy here. As long as I can have time to train, and I’ll take those vacation days Garrett mentioned to go compete.”
Sawyer chuckled. "Sounds good to me. We want you to do what you want to do, but it sure wouldn’t be the same around here without all the brothers together.”
"I agree with Sawyer," Dad said. "We love each of you, and you all bring your own talents and unique gifts to our family and to the ranch. We love having you here and hope you know that. If you ever decide you want a change, the door is always open, and we will be here to listen.”
"Thanks, Dad," Lawson said. "I think that’s all I’ve ever really wanted.”
That night, Lawson walked into his own house, happy to be exactly where he was. He had meant what he said to his dad. It meant everything to be told he was needed and wanted.
And now, more than anything, he wanted a special woman to know that she was needed and wanted here too.
He got ready for bed and climbed beneath the sheets, ready to catch up on some much- needed sleep. Lawson’s thoughts swirled as he stared up at the ceiling, but it was too dark to see anything. As he looked at the complete nothingness, suddenly a sense of fear enveloped him. After being with his family, now in his own house, he felt desperately alone. He grabbed for the light switch on the lamp beside his bed. His heart pounded rapidly against his chest at the idea of being in that nothingness, and he needed to see something.
Just as the light came on, he knocked something off the table. The thud caused him to sit straight, and he put his hand to his chest to slow the pounding. He took several deep breaths. Clearing his throat and telling himself it was silly to be afraid, he sat up and reached for the object that had fallen. It had slid under the bed, and he bent awkwardly to stretch and reach it. Just as he was about to set it on the table, he realized what it was.
In his hand, he held his Bible. It had sat on his bedside table for so long, it had become like a decoration and he was numb to seeing it there. He couldn’t say the last time he had picked it up to read.
Lawson sighed and propped up against his pillow. He laid the Bible in his lap and stared at it for a long moment. What was that fear that he had felt? It seemed to hit him deep in his soul. And how was it that at that moment the one thing he found was his Bible?
After several deep breaths, he spoke. "God, I don’t know what I’m feeling right now. But if You’re there and You’re real, show me for sure.”
There was no audible voice, but deep in his soul, Lawson heard, or maybe simply felt, a whisper, and he knew God had done just that.
"God, it’s been a long time since I’ve prayed. I don’t know if I’m ready to believe.”
Lawson wanted to list all the reasons he didn’t want to trust in God, starting with his dad having a heart attack. But all the things he thought of over the last few months fell away.
"God, my dad has followed you all his life. He serves in the church and helps everyone he meets. He’s worked hard all his life on the ranch. How could you let him have a heart attack? We need him.”
Even as he said the words, he knew that his dad was still here. God had spared his life and taken care of him. Even the doctors said he had recovered well so far and that it could have been much worse.
"Maybe I’ve been looking at this the wrong way." A sentence echoed in his soul, and he spoke it out loud. "You saved my dad.”
He thought about Harper and everything that had happened to her. "And you saved Harper from the storm. You brought her here. Without that storm, we wouldn’t have gotten so close.”
Lawson shook his head. "But what about her brother? Why did You have to put her through losing him?" He couldn’t make sense of it. "Couldn’t his life have been filled with purpose, and he lived a long time?" He heard no answer, and he sighed as he leaned his head back against the wall. "I guess some things just don’t make sense. Maybe Harper is right." He remembered her words, saying that when sin came, bad things happened. "But You gave us Your son to rescue us.” That didn’t make any sense either.
Lawson couldn’t sit still any longer. He got up from bed and turned on the lights in the living room. He paced the room as he thought and spoke out loud. "God, I’ve lived my whole life hearing about You. I know all the Sunday school Bible stories, and I know all the things I’m supposed to know and how to say all the things I’m supposed to say. But I’ve never felt like I knew You. Not the way my parents and brothers do, and not the way I see Harper now. She says she met You and her heart changed."
He thought about his own heart. It felt cold and distant from the things he had grown up knowing. "Isn’t there a verse about a heart of stone?" He knew he could look for it in his Bible, but he didn’t know where to find it. He moved back to his room and grabbed his phone. Opening a web browser, he searched for Bible verses about heart and stone. In just a few clicks, he found the verse and opened it. He read aloud, "Ezekiel 36:26: And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.”
Lawson scratched his head. "What exactly does that mean?" In a few more clicks, he found an online Bible commentary that said, "The heart of stone and the heart of flesh signifies being spiritually dead and spiritually alive.”
He sighed and sank down onto the couch, finally able to stop pacing. Knowing it was time to stop running from God, he realized that the heart of stone was talking about him. "God," he said, "I have a heart of stone. I’ve put distance between myself and You, which has also put distance between me and my family." He swallowed hard. "And it put distance between me and Harper. I don’t like who I’ve become. I used to be happy and joyful. I was content with my life here. But I’ve grown hard and bitter. I don’t want that anymore. God, I want a heart of flesh. I want to know You and walk with You. God, forgive me for my sinful heart and actions. Will You forgive me? Will you take my heart of stone and give me a heart of flesh?”
Lawson opened his hands in the air and felt a wave of peace wash over him. His fingers extended as if he were receiving a gift straight from Heaven, and he knew it was the greatest gift he had ever been given.
He sat on the couch a while longer, praying, confessing things to the Lord, and asking Him for a new life. He didn’t know how long he sat there before he finally went to bed. But when he closed his eyes, he felt at peace, knowing he was no longer alone and living in darkness. Lawson fell asleep believing and hoping for good things in the morning.
