Page 119 of Endless Terrors
For the past minute or so, my mind had been frozen in shock. Now it launched into movement and raced ahead, considering this revelation and all its ramifications. Was it just coincidence that Goody Baldwin’s journal had sent me here, in the exact same way she’d arrived in Hell? Lyari had brought it to me, I knew that much. But did I ever ask where she’d gotten it? There were too many coincidences, and I didn’t believe in those.
“I don’t want to possess you, Fortuna,” Heilel said, distracting me. “I never did.”
So that’s your angle, I thought. He wanted me to believe he’d done all this for love. Because a witch had painted us together and he’d been staring at her vision for all these years. But I wasn’t falling for it. Heilel was ruthless and cunning. He hadn’t pursued me across generations and dimensions out of some delusional infatuation.
“And all the dead Nightmares? How do you explain them?” I demanded.
“I used them,” Heilel said bluntly. “I wore them until I couldn’t anymore.”
I stared at him, horrified, and he looked back without remorse. I imagined all the lives Heilel had taken. All the bloodlines he’d snuffed out. An entire species nearly decimated because of him. At last I said, my voice swollen with pain and betrayal, “Why?”
Heilel finally turned to the painting. He stared up at it, but there was a look in his eyes that made it obvious he was seeing something else. “I may loathe your world, but I’ve always been intrigued by it, as well,” he murmured.
I made a sound of disbelief. “Are you telling me that you murdered dozens of my kind just so you could, what, experience life on Earth? Catch a few shows, eat at some high-end restaurants? Yeah, totally justifies it.”
“Can you say you wouldn’t have done the same, if you were in my position?”
I opened my mouth to tell him exactly that, but then I hesitated. I thought of Belanor. I thought of the other terrible things I’d done that, once, I never would’ve believed myself capable of. There was darkness inside all of us. How far would mine have spread if I’d spent an eternity without light?
It didn’t change anything, though. No matter how tempted I was to pretend that it did. I met Heilel’s gaze again and ignored a small, desperate whisper urging me to stay silent. “I have to go back.”
“Do you love me, Fortuna?”
The directness of it made my heart quicken. Heilel’s question hovered there between us, and when I started to think about the answer, a bubble of panic burst inside of me.
I kissed him instead.
Heilel didn’t try to push me. He kissed me back, and his other hand slid up my waist. His fingertips gently skimmed my breast, then reached my throat, where he gripped it—firm yet gentle—steadying me as he devoured me, pressing his mouth harder and harder against mine. As I responded, my hands gripping his shirtfront, my eyes went up to that painting. The other Fortuna was so calm. So unafraid. As if she was exactly where she belonged.
But this was not where I belonged.
Damon. Matthew. Emma. Finn. Gil. Cyrus. Ariel. Nym. Seth. And then I thought of them … Collith and Laurie. I’d buried their memories deep at the back of my mind, put them in a box and closed the lid, then locked it tight. The box was open now. I allowed myself to remember them. To acknowledge how much I loved them. The thought of never seeing Collith and Laurie again sent a sharp sensation through me, as if there were a glass shard lodged in my chest.
We’d been living in a dream, Heilel and me. We’d been deluding ourselves, pretending to be other people so we could fit together. But it was always temporary. He would always be the one who had slaughtered my people, and I would be a means to whatever end he was planning. Secrets grew between us like thorns. Even if we cut them away and hoped that time would dull the edges, we were something ugly and painful.
I looked up at him, and sorrow clung to my heart.
“It’s time to wake up, Heilel,” I said.
He didn’t give any response, and I didn’t wait for one. I turned my back on him, on the painting, on the entire room, and I walked out without looking back.
Later, I wasn’t surprised when I woke up in an empty bed.
I touched the sheets where Heilel had been, and they were cold. He’d returned long after I’d fallen asleep, and apparently he hadn’t stayed. But I knew he’d been here, and that I hadn’t dreamed the mattress shifting beside me—his sandalwood scent still lingered.
We hadn’t spoken since I’d left that dim, creepy room with the painting. I’d spent a few hours training, trying to put all my anger and frustration into the dummy, and Heilel had kept away. Things between us felt strange. Unfinished. But I’d used our time apart to think, and I had reached a decision.
I wasn’t a prisoner here. Not anymore, at least. If I asked one of the guards to take me downstairs and out of the tower, they would. So that’s exactly what I was going to do. If Heilel didn’t have a way to send me home, and he refused to look for one, then I’d find it on my own. It was time to go back to my original plan, and scour the First City for magic. If there wasn’t any here, I’d move on to the next city. And the next. It was long past time for me to go home, and I would do whatever it took. Even if that meant taking on the creatures Heilel had mentioned when he’d first talked me out of leaving.
This time, I reminded myself, I’d have gargoyles on my side. Not to mention whatever weapons the guards supplied me with, and the new skills I had learned from Heilel. I wasn’t sure how long I’d be gone, or whether I would be coming back. I’d packed a bag before bed, which contained several changes of clothes and food I’d gotten from the kitchen.
All that remained was saying goodbye.
I’d already said my farewells to Narfu, and Saida, and a few of the others who lived in this tower and had crept into my heart. That only left Dagan, Roger, and … Heilel. As soon as his name echoed through my mind, I left the bed and got dressed. I wouldn’t be able to fall back asleep, anyway. I chose clothing as close to hiking gear as I could get. Pants, boots, a long-sleeved shirt, and a coat with multiple pockets. Once I was ready, I swung the bag onto my shoulder and walked out. I didn’t linger for a final look or hesitate at the door.
This time, Roger was in the walkway. “Do you know where Heilel is?” I asked, approaching.
He gave me a smile that seemed sad, somehow. “His Majesty is on the roof, my lady. He’s waiting for you.”
