Page 116 of My Heart Still Beats
Why am I thinking about Ben Black kissing me when I’m trying to talk to my father in the pouring rain?
Ben was right to refuse to kiss me that day at his house, right after Da died. I can’t fall into the pit of proving I’m alive by having hot monkey sex. I had enough of that in college and afterward—all the way up until Garrett.
The rain helps me, and soon I’m dripping wet. A chill runs through me, so I turn and—
I gasp.
Ben stands there, clad in his black suit and gray tie, which probably cost a fortune, and he’s getting pelted as well.
“I saw you out here,” he says. “When the rain got stronger, I figured I’d better check. You okay?”
“I think that’s a loaded question, and we both know it.”
He frowns. “You’re right. I’m sorry. Of course you’re not okay. You just lost your father.”
“At least I’ve had something to keep my mind on,” I say with a sigh.
He takes a step closer. “You want to talk?”
“Not especially. I’m so over talking right now. If I have to say, ‘Thank you so much for coming. Yes, he was a wonderful father,’ once more, I may explode.”
He glances back to the house. “People are starting to disperse. Let’s get you inside.”
I look up to the sky, letting the drops pummel my face. Then I turn and look at Ben. “I don’t I want to go inside.”
He touches my cheek. “You’re soaking wet, Tessa.”
I hold my hands out, look up to the sky once more. “So what? Since when does being soaking wet matter? I kind of feel like I need to be rained on right now.”
“Do you want to tell me why?”
I smile to the clouds. “I’ve had an amazing life.”
“Had? You’re twenty-five years old, Tessa. The majority of your life is still ahead of you.”
“I don’t mean it that way.” I put my arms down and turn to him. “I mean I had the best dad in the world. He was strict for sure. Both my parents were. But they loved me unconditionally. When I fucked up—and I fucked up a lot—they always forgave me. Of course, they punished me, but they did everything because they loved me. And then what did I do? The minute I could leave their house, I threw away all of the good values they taught me. I threw my faith to the wind, gave my virginity to the first guy who asked.”
“Tessa, everyone rebels a little bit when they leave home.”
I turn back to face him. “Did you?”
He shakes his head. “I did itbeforeI left home, and my God, you have no idea.”
I look down. “I didn’t appreciate what I had.”
“Of course you did.” He moves another step closer. “You kept a good relationship with your mom and dad, didn’t you?”
“Yeah, I did.”
“You had to find your own way. Everyone does. There’s nothing saying you can’t go back to your religion if you want to.”
“Except I don’t really want to.”
“And that’s okay, too.”
“Mommy and Da were so disappointed when I left the church.”
“But you’re you, Tessa, and they both still lovedyou.”
