Page 115 of My Heart Still Beats
All I could think about—especially after Nana passed away a few years after my first communion—was getting the hell out of this house so I could live a life. Not be bound by my mother and father’s strict rules.
I wasn’t even allowed to date until I was seventeen. And then, I had to parade my dates into the living room where they were subject to interrogation from both my mother and my father.
It almost wasn’t worth it.
So when I got to college, I went a little wild.
I lost my virginity the first week, and I never looked back. When Skye and I got close, and I found out we were exact opposites, I was always the one who made her go out, forced her to dress less conservatively.
And what do you know?
She was the one who snagged a sexy billionaire.
I smile at the thought.
It was ridiculous that I felt so envious of Skye’s relationship with Braden. She’s checked in with me every day since Garrett, twice a day since my father died.
All this, when she should be focusing on her upcoming wedding.
It’s four weeks from today, at a posh hotel in downtown Boston.
No expense has been spared for the future Mrs. Braden Black, of course.
I walk to the kitchen and then outside in the backyard. The skies were gray during the burial, and now it’s raining, so I’m alone, which is what I’m after.
I don’t care about the rain. It feels good—kind of reminds me of the cold plunge.
Ben and I were supposed to do another cold plunge Sunday morning last week, but of course that didn’t happen. We ended up flying home in the middle of the night.
My black dress is getting drenched, but again, I don’t care.
I relish the pelting of the drops as I look to the gray sky, trying to feel my father.
But I don’t feel Da.
I feel…Ben.
He’s texted me a few times since Da died, but other than that, he’s left me alone. Given me space.
It’s not like we’re in a relationship or anything.
But feelings are growing within me—feelings I never thought I’d have again, despite Garrett and my recently resurfaced memories of the altar boy.
Feelings that—if I allow them to take hold—I’m not sure how to deal with.
What happened with Garrett is still so much a part of me, and now, dealing with the loss of my father plus the recovered memories of my first communion, I’m not sure I’ll be ready to have these feelings for a long time.
But the feelings don’t seem to care about any of that, because they’re here. They’re here every time I think about Ben. Every time I look at him.
Every time I remember the feel of his lips on my cheek.
Every time I think about the conversation we had about how he wanted to kiss me, but it wasn’t the right time.
Was he right?
More likely his brother told him to stay away from me. Although from what I know about Ben Black, he wouldn’t let anything—including his powerful older brother—keep him from something he wants.
And what about me?
