Page 53 of The Absence of You
Don’t even think about it.
I absolutely need to leave well enough alone.
It’s Saturday, so I know she’ll be in there. I start to walk towards the shop and before I know it, I’m standing outside. I could do with ordering a book for school.
Bullshit. You want to see her.
You can’t stay away from her.
Before I can talk myself out of it completely, I open the door, the familiar ping of the bell startling me as it breaks the quiet of the shop.
Dahlia is kneeling down in the corner, surrounded by boxes, as she stacks a shelf with books. Without turning around, she calls over her shoulder,
“I’ll just be a minute.”
Even if I had my eyes closed, there would be no mistaking who is in front of me. I’d recognise her voice anywhere. As it is, it’s the curve of her back as she stoops to do her work, the elegant slope of her neck and the familiar wave of her hair that give her away. They undeniably belong to the girl I used to be able to call my best friend. For a few seconds I allow myself to pretend the last week hasn’t happened. I imagine I’m here to take her for coffee. I imagine I haven’t spent the last week ruining anything that ever existed between us.
I continue to stare at her back as she carries on unpacking the box. Watching her methodically remove the last few books and carefully place them on the shelf, I realise I could stand here and watch her do this for hours and never get bored. She has no idea how beautiful she is.
She stands up and turns around, sweeping a stray piece of hair off her face.
“Oh, it’s you.” The look of sadness on her face is cutting. “What are you doing here?” she asks, dusting her hands on the navy-blue apron tied around her waist.
“I just need a book, that’s all.” I state. The last of the light in her eyes dims at my words. Even after everything I’ve done, I still have the ability to hurt her more, apparently.
“Right, of course. You know the shop as well as I do, so I’ll leave you to it,” she says resignedly, almost to herself. She strides past me to a pile of boxes stacked by the door and lifts the top one, straining a little under the weight.
“Can I help you with that?” I offer. She stops, her shoulders tensing. Turning to face me, she searches my face.
“What are you doing?” She asks me bitterly.
What am I doing?
I don’t even know anymore. I have been doing everything I can to push her away, yet here I am again, constantly craving her company. Desperate to keep any type of connection with her.
“I have twenty minutes to spare, and you look like you could use the help,” I shrug.
“I don’t need your help,” she snaps. Her tone is sharp and so out of character it makes me wince.
I did this.
I made her angry at me.
I accomplished what I set out to do, and I should be glad, but instead, here I am seeking her out and torturing us both.
Fuck, it’s on the tip of my tongue to apologise to her. To beg for her forgiveness. But unless I tell her exactly what my father threatened to do to her, she’d never understand my motivations.
And I won’t do that to her. I know her, she would confront him and tell him to do his worst with no clue of what he’s really capable of.
I need to leave before I make even more of a mess, but before I can, she speaks again.
“I don’t get it. We seemed … good. No. You know what? Fuck that. We were better than good.” Her chest rises and falls as she struggles to keep calm. I reach out to take her hand, and she immediately withdraws, hugging herself and taking a step back. “No! You don’t get to just walk in here, trying to be friends or whatever the hell it is you’re doing. We slept together! It meant something to me.”
“It meant something to me too, Lia. It meant every-fucking-thing.” I shouldn’t be telling her that. But fuck it. I want her to know the connection I felt when we gave ourselves to each other was unlike anything I’d ever experienced, and I hate that she has no idea of my true feelings. But it’s like the words haven’t registered with her as she continues.
“I was a virgin. You were my first.”
“I know.” As soon as the words leave my mouth, I wish I could take them back because she physically recoils like I’ve slapped her.
