Page 34 of The Absence of You
“So that’s why you turned down my offer of a lift, hey?” she asks, grinning as she hands me a Starbucks. “Seriously though, are you sure spending time with him is a good idea?” Concern crosses her features.
“I just bumped into him on the way here, that’s all.” I don’t tell her about the kiss. It’s not that I don’t trust her. I just don’t want her to read more into it than there is. Thanking her for the Starbucks, we cross the parking lot and head inside. “How long have he and Charlotte been a thing?” I ask Callie, not really sure I want to hear the answer.
“Three years, perhaps a bit longer. They seem pretty solid.” She tells me sympathetically. “I’m sorry. I know that probably isn’t what you want to hear. Their parents met through their businesses apparently, and those two have been like the golden couple ever since.” Callie doesn’t know the full extent of my feelings towards Grayson but she’s clearly seen enough to know I’d be disappointed to hear that.
I sigh. After last night’s kiss, I’d let my imagination run away with me. He’d given me the impression their relationship wasn’t anything, but he never clarified exactly what was between them. And three years is a very long time. My heart sinks. He might be in love with this girl. I remind myself I don’t know him that well anymore. He could be playing me, or her, or both of us, for that matter. I push it out of my mind as Callie and I spend the rest of the day studying.
After school on Monday, my phone pings.
G_Banks2001: r u free now?
My fingers hover over my phone, not really sure what to reply when it pings again.
G_Banks2001: i’m home if u want 2 swim? parents not home
After I’d spoken to Callie yesterday, I’d realised Grayson and Charlotte’s relationship was obviously more serious than he led me to believe, and I still wasn’t really sure how I felt about it. Grayson and I had only ever been friends before I left years ago. And as much as friendship was what I’d hoped would happen again when I’d moved down here, things felt different now and that kiss a couple of days ago has shifted my feelings from just friendship to more. For me, at least. He has a girlfriend, for fuck's sake. While I try to decide what to text him back, my phone starts ringing, the unexpected shrill sound almost making me drop it onto my bed. I answer the call.
“Hello?”
“Hey, it’s me. Did you get my message?” I can’t see him, but I can hear the smile in his voice.
“Hi. Look, I really appreciate the offer, but I don’t think it’s a great idea.”
“But I thought we’d talked about this. It makes more sense for me to teach you. Absolutely no offence to Callie, but I have my coaching certificate. I’m good at this. I thought you were okay with it?” Confusion edges into his voice. If I tell him my hesitance is due to Charlotte, it’ll seem like I’m reading too much into our kiss, and I don’t want that either. “Lia? Are you still there?”
“Yes, I’m here. I, it’s not that. I just think maybe Charlotte might not like it. I know you and I are just friends,” I rush my words out, “But she’s your girlfriend, well whatever she is, and I don’t want to cause any problems.”
“I told you before, it’s not an issue. We both have our own lives. Look, come over, I’ll give you a lesson. If, after that, you would rather learn with Callie, then fine. I won’t tell Coach it wasn’t me that taught you. I promise you, though, you’ll be swimming way faster with me teaching you. I’ll see you soon.” The phone goes dead before I have a chance to respond. Fuck, this is probably a terrible idea, but I switch off the TV and grab my swimsuit.
GRAYSON
I’m just going to teach her to swim, that’s all this is. The memory of Saturday in my car replays in my mind, fuck, it was amazing, but we can’t do it again. I’m not in a position to start anything with Dahlia while I still have to keep up the pretence with Charlotte. I know it would make more sense to keep her at arm’s length, but after the kiss, I’m craving more. I want more of her, in whatever form it comes. I found myself texting her after school, inviting her to swim.
I keep telling myself I’m just doing her a favour, for old times’ sake, but if I’m being honest, I want an excuse to spend time with her. My anger about her cutting me off all those years ago had been enough to make me keep my distance, until now. I had wanted to punish her, so she’d feel like I did, by ignoring her. But now that I understand a bit more about what happened, I don’t feel angry about it. I just feel sad. I feel like I wasted all those years hating her when she was as much a victim of her family circumstances as I was.
Every time we talk, I’m reminded of who I used to be. Of all the hope I’d had that I could escape this destiny. In hindsight, I’d been naïve, but in those years growing up, I really believed I could. It had felt like I could do or be anything, that I would find a way to be free. And I can’t help but chase that feeling.
Maybe it’s a bad idea, indulging myself by spending time with her, but when I’m with her, it’s like I can forget about the monster I’ve become. I can let myself be someone else other than this person I hate and resent. Even if only for an hour or two.
But what do I tell Dahlia about Charlotte and me? There is nothing between us anymore, but it’s no wonder Dahlia is confused about it. To the outside world, we have most definitely been giving off couple vibes. After everything that’s gone on, more lies between us is not a good idea, but I can’t tell her the truth.
Admitting to Dahlia exactly what I had done for my father over the years would be admitting how weak I am. She’d be ashamed of me. She was so sure I’d never become that man, and I’d failed. Maybe it’s better Dahlia thinks I’m with Charlotte than her knowing the truth. She deserves someone good, honest and uncomplicated. Someone who is nothing like me.
I push the thoughts from my mind as I wait for her to finish getting changed. Swimming a couple of laps helps clear my head. Our pool isn’t huge, but it’s private, and it’s not particularly deep, so it’s perfect to help Dahlia get some confidence in the water.
The minute she walks out of the bathroom in her swimsuit, I realise I’m fucked. The royal blue two-piece shows off her soft curves and flawless skin, and all of my resolve goes out of the window. All I can think about is marking her perfect body with my touch.
She pulls her hair into a messy bun and smiles when she sees me already in the pool.
As I watch her cautiously lower herself down to sit on the side of the pool, her legs dangling in the water,
Before she gets the chance to get nervous, I swim over and come to a stop in front of her. I grip the sides of the pool on either side of her knees. The water laps at my chest as I consider the best way to get started.
“What have you done with Callie so far?” I ask her as she looks anywhere but at me.
“She’s just shown me the basics, treading water, floating that sort of thing…” Her voice trails off as she finally looks down to meet my gaze. Before she realises what I’m doing, I reach up and put my hands around her thighs and lift her into the pool easily. Shrieking, she flings her arms around my neck and clings on tightly.
“Grayson! What are you doing?!”
