Page 24 of The Absence of You
“Yeah, we’ve met. We go way back, don’t we, Dahlia?” I had been fully expecting Grayson to pretend he didn’t know me like he usually does when we’re in public, so the acknowledgment takes me by surprise. I stay silent. Callie looks between the two of us.
“That’s no way to greet an old friend, is it?” His voice drips with derision. Just as I’d regain my composure, Charlotte and Meghan come waltzing into the kitchen.
“Grayson, there you are. I should have realised you’d come in here to make me a drink. You’re so sweet,” Charlotte squeaks. She stands on her tiptoes and kisses his cheek. Grayson's eyes don’t leave mine as I watch her wrap her hand around his bicep possessively. Never had I wanted to break someone’s fingers as much as I do right now. Fuck, where did that come from? I need to shake it off. I need to get a grip on myself.
“Let’s go and dance, and then we can celebrate my birthday properly, if you know what I mean?” She giggles. He takes hold of her hand and follows her back to the main room, not even sparing me a second glance.
GRAYSON
Jesus, Dahlia looks incredible tonight. She’s wearing all white like an angel, but the way that outfit clings to her curves, she is dripping with sin. Makes me want to lick every bit of the bare skin she has on display.
The Weeknd’s Wicked Games is playing, and Charlotte is rubbing her body up against mine to the music, as I go through the motions pretending to enjoy her body. We’ve been dancing for a while and a few minutes ago, Dahlia and Callie came into the room and started dancing with each other. Dahlia is smiling and throws her head back, laughing at something Callie whispers in her ear. Once upon a time, it was me who made her laugh like that. Our happiness had been ineradicably linked and seeing her so freely sharing that with someone she can only have known for a matter of weeks just makes me resent her more.
The other day in the book shop, just for a moment, I’d let my defences drop around her. I’m man enough to admit she turns me the fuck on, and it had messed with my head and I’d been tempted to hear her out. But it would be a mistake to give in to my desire. Dahlia doesn’t deserve a single second of my time, and she certainly doesn’t deserve my forgiveness.
At least this fucking Charlotte situation makes it easier to keep Dahlia at arm’s length. I know deliberately using Charlotte for that makes me a shitty person, but I guess that’s who I am now. Dahlia left, and I did the one thing I always swore I wouldn’t do; I became like my father - heartless, calculating and cruel.
Despite all of that, I can’t stop watching her and for just a moment, I let myself imagine it’s Dahlia, not Charlotte, whose warm body is pressed against me. My dick throbs at the thought, and I adjust myself in my pants as they become uncomfortably tight. Charlotte takes that as a cue to continue rubbing herself on me. She knows the situation for what it is, but she is also well used to having men attracted to her, so no doubt she thinks I’m hard for her.
As much as I’ve hated this forced relationship, it’s saved me having to make any more meaningful relationships with anyone else over the past couple of years. I love Asher like a brother, but other than him, the only proper friend I’ve ever had was Dahlia. And she fucked me over like everyone else in my life, so I have never let anyone else in like I did her. I swore to myself a long time ago that I’d never make that mistake again.
“Grayson, let’s play a game.” Charlotte runs her hands down my chest and pouts at me. I groan inwardly. A game sounds pretty immature, but it’s easier to let her have her own way as she’ll only get it eventually. Plus, it is her birthday and if that’s what she wants, then it’ll look odd if I argue with her. It’ll at least stop her from dragging me up to her bedroom. Despite how clear I’ve made it that we are over, she is still angling for us to be physical again. The last thing I want is to be with her tonight. We’ve not had sex for months. Any contact we’ve had has just been for the purpose of keeping up appearances, a hug here, a touch there, the odd kiss, but she’s been dropping plenty of signals that she wants to change that this week. She takes my silence as agreement and shouts over the music to everyone to come outside and sit by the fire pit.
Most people have ignored her and carried on making out or dancing. There are still about eight of us, including Dahlia, joining the game. She sits down on the opposite side to me. She’s giggling and swaying a little, her cheeks flushed from the drinks she’d been necking all night. Maxwell practically runs over and pulls a chair up next to Dahlia before handing her a beer and sitting down.
I curse Callie under my breath. Surely she can see Dahlia has drunk enough. I shouldn’t fucking care yet my fingers itch to go over there and grab the beer off her. Callie reaches over and prises the beer out of Dahlia’s hand, replacing it with a bottle of water and a weird feeling of relief comes over me. Before I can fully dissect what that could possibly mean, Meghan stands up and claps her hands to shush everyone. Apparently we’re playing truth or dare. God, this is pretty childish even by their standards, but a part of me is glad to have an excuse to be with Dahlia, even if being around her feels like torture most of the time.
I hate her … but looking at her makes my cock ache, she’s so fucking beautiful. I have been trying to tell myself it’s just physical. But it’s more than that. There’s also this overwhelming…peace that I feel when I’m near her. It’s just fucking familiarity. Nothing more. But the more I try to avoid her, the more I want to be around her. It’s like I have a masochistic urge to punish myself.
Goddamn. I’ve tried to fight it, but I want to know what she’s been doing these last few years. Whether she is still the same Dahlia, whether she still enjoys the same things, whether she still likes to dip her fucking toast crusts in the jam jar for fuck's sake. Stupid stuff which doesn’t even matter.
I look at her and my head knows she’s changed, that we’re both completely different people now, but my bruised heart doesn’t care. My heart needs to know if under all that, she is still the same girl who laughed at my crap jokes. The same girl who whispered to me that I could be anyone I wanted to be. The same girl who made me believe I was worth something.
Chapter Twenty-Two
GRAYSON
AGE 14
We came out of the cinema to find the day’s earlier sunshine had completely disappeared. Heavy grey clouds were now hovering above us, threatening to burst at any moment. We headed towards the bus stop, knowing the last bus was due soon, but Dahlia stopped in front of the little book shop.
“Can we have a quick look in here?” She pleaded. I was in no rush to get home, so I agreed and followed her inside. Dahlia went straight up to the shopkeeper and asked if she could have a look at a book she’d seen in the window. While she flicked through the pages, I wandered to the back of the store, to the small gift section. There was a display with different bookmarks hanging from it. I picked one up. It was pale blue with the words, ‘Our history is not our destiny’ written on it. Huh, I hoped that was true, more than anything, in fact. I wanted to grow up to be a better man than that monster I lived at home with. As soon as I was old enough to get him out of my life, I would.
I was suddenly conscious of Dahlia behind me. Her footsteps were light, and she wasn’t saying anything, but I always knew when she was near me. It was like she settled me somehow. She stepped next to me and looked down at the bookmark in my hand.
“You are nothing like him. Whatever happens, you will never be like him.” She stated firmly as if she could read my mind. She sounded so sure of what she was saying, and because of that, I believed her.
We headed outside just as the last bus passed us, so I sat down on the wall while Dahlia called Dee to see if she could come and pick us up. There was no answer, so I debated whether to ring my mum. She doesn’t work, but it’s likely she’d be busy. Too busy for me anyway. We decided to walk home instead.
About halfway back, the first drops of rain hit my neck. It was just the odd drop at first, but then there was a loud crack of thunder and a flash of lightning. The clouds were only getting darker. I grabbed Dahlia’s hand and started to pull her along with me.
“Come on, let’s run.”
“Nah, I’m just going to walk.” She tugged me back, and I immediately stopped and frowned at her. It wasn’t that far, but we’d get soaked if we didn’t hurry up. I realised my mistake as Dahlia immediately let go of my hand and took the opportunity to start jogging away from me, leaving me standing staring at her open-mouthed.
“Last one home has to grant the other person a wish!” She shouted back to me as she ran down the road. She was just trying to get a head start. I shook my head and took off after her, laughing. We ran as fast as we could through the, now heavy, rain, both of us soaked through to the bone. There was another rumble of thunder just as we neared the house. We were both panting as we got closer. I slowed down to let Dahlia catch up with me. Dee’s car wasn’t parked in the driveway.
“Dee isn’t home,” I said, stating the obvious. “You better come to my house and get dry.” We both knew Dee kept a spare key under one of the pots by the front door, but Dahlia just nodded and followed me to my front door. Maybe she didn’t want the day to end any more than I did.
