Page 15 of The Absence of You
I thought about a couple of the cute boys in my school, and tried to imagine kissing one of them. It felt all wrong, so, for a brief moment, I let myself imagine what it might feel like if Grayson kissed me.
Except once I let my mind go there, I couldn’t stop thinking about it.
He was getting taller, would I have to stand on my tip toes? What would his lips feel like against mine? I imagined running my hands through his wavy hair. I shifted in my bed as I recalled how I felt when he licked the tip of my finger this afternoon. The heat that overcame me and the swirl of butterflies fluttering low my tummy was happening more and more when we were together.
DAHLIA - PRESENT
My new boss Beth emailed earlier with some paperwork for me to fill in. It all appears straightforward, so I print it out and have it completed quickly. Beth doesn’t live too far away. I ask Dee if I can borrow her car so I can pop it round and I head out.
I’m about to reverse the car off the driveway when a red car parks up outside Grayson’s house. Curiosity gets the better of me when I see it’s one of the girls from school driving it. My gut lurches when I realise who it is. Charlotte. I’d seen her at school a few times and recognised her from a few years ago when Grayson had introduced us. She’d shown no sign of remembering who I was, and I hadn’t spoken to her, but I know she hangs out with Meghan and the popular girls.
Slim and blonde, she’s changed out of her academy uniform, and she’s dressed in figure-hugging gym gear. She’s really pretty. Even prettier than she used to be. And she’s outside Grayson’s house after school.
Is she his girlfriend? Have they been dating the whole time I was gone? The thought of him with anyone makes me wildly jealous, but surely he’s got better taste than to date one of the mean girls? Who am I kidding? Of course, he’d be with someone like that. Two of the popular kids, they would no doubt move in the same circles, and if not her, then someone else like her.
I haven’t moved from my seat in the car. I glance at my reflection in the mirror. I’d dragged my hair into a messy ponytail earlier. I wasn’t wearing a lick of make-up. No wonder he never made any attempt to introduce me to any of his friends properly all those years ago. He was probably embarrassed to be seen with me.
I should leave before anyone spots me sitting here. But I don’t. Instead, I stay, transfixed by the beautiful girl ringing Grayson’s doorbell, wanting to torture myself by seeing his reaction when he answers the door.
The sun has started setting. It’s reflecting off my windscreen, and she probably wouldn’t even see me if she turned around, so I continue to sit here like a fucking stalker. The door finally opens. It’s Grayson, and he’s shirtless. Dressed in only a pair of low-slung basketball shorts, he looks every bit the model athlete. He has a fucking six pack, and my god, his happy trail…he looks totally and utterly lickable. Why does he have to look so damn perfect?
He doesn’t exactly seem pleased to see Charlotte, but before I get a chance to question what that means, he leans forward and kisses her and pulls her into the house by her hand. Any doubts about their relationship status are well and truly squashed by witnessing that intimate gesture. I quickly start the car and reverse as another car pulls up. It’s probably one of his parents, but I don’t hang around to find out.
It's days like this I really wish my mum was just my mum, not an alcoholic, not a person going through her own problems but just a mum, at the end of a phone or waiting at home to give me a hug. Just to have someone to talk to about this kind of thing. My friendship with Callie is developing, but we’re not close enough for me to ring her and ask her to distract me, or to cheer me up.
I’m well aware I have no rights to him. No claim on him whatsoever. But reasoning with myself doesn’t lessen my possessiveness when it comes to him. And it’s not even a new feeling. I hadn’t recognised the discomfort I felt that summer at Lolly’s, when I’d seen Charlotte touch him, but I recognised it now.
I’d had no right to be jealous in the past, and I had even less right to be jealous now. At least back then, we were best friends, now we’re not even on speaking terms.
That night after Lolly's wasn't the only time I had imagined Grayson kissing me, but I had never let myself imagine telling him how I felt. I would never have risked ruining our friendship if he didn’t feel the same way. And then I left, and the rational part of me reasoned it was pointless to imagine something that could never happen.
But despite that, and despite the distance between us, my heart had always hung on to the hope we’d find our way back to each other one day, because there was something about our friendship that felt inevitable. But he can barely stand to look at me now, and it cuts me wide open, thinking that we might never be friends again, let alone anything more.
GRAYSON
As soon as I’d seen my dad pull on to the driveway, I made sure he was watching as I quickly pecked Charlotte on the lips. Didn’t want to give him any extra reasons to be a prick to me. I pulled her inside before he could get out of the car so we didn’t have to put on a proper show.
Once we get to my room, Charlotte throws herself down on my king size bed. I can count on one hand the amount of times she’s been in my bedroom. I like to keep my space private, but right now, she’s sprawled herself across my bed as though she fucking owns it.
I take a seat in my desk chair and spin around to face her.
“You wanted to catch up? So get on with it. I’ve had a long day.”
“You don’t have to be so fucking rude about it, Grayson. I’m doing you a favour as much as the other way around.” Doesn’t make me any less pissed off about it though, and she’ll be waiting a long time if she thinks I’m going to snap out of this mood. I grind my teeth and drum my fingers on the arm of my chair, wishing this conversation was over with already. “If you want to take some of your frustrations out on me, I’m more than happy to oblige,” she purrs, rising to her knees, before taking hold of the zip on her sports bra and starting to slowly undo it.
“What the fuck, Charlotte? I’m not interested.” I was never really interested in her that way. I’m an eighteen-year-old guy, so of course I have sexual urges, and I’ve fulfilled them with her regularly over the years.
Not recently, though. Not for months. It got harder and harder to pretend I had any real feelings for her, and she eventually got the hint. I could tell when she started regularly fucking other guys as she stopped sniffing around me so much. So she wasn’t wrong when she said I had physical frustrations. But I definitely wasn’t frustrated enough to stick my dick in her anymore. Charlotte stops fiddling with her zip and fixes me with a stare.
“Are you seeing someone else?”
“No.”
“Then why are you doing this?” It’s been months since I told her I wanted to end things with her, so I don’t know why she’s suddenly demanding a reason for it.
“I’ve already told you. I want to focus on swimming and studying. And I’m just not fucking feeling it anymore. Nothing has changed.” She pretends to be hurt by my words, but I have no time for that shit. “Don’t act like you were heavily invested in us, Charlotte. I know you were fucking round on me way before I called it, so don’t bother.” She crawls to the end of the bed and puts her hand on my knee, but I push it off.
“I’m sorry, Grayson, I didn’t mean to hurt you.” I laugh. Jesus Christ, she’s so fucking dense.
