Page 59 of The Absence of You
“Should we be doing this? Dee might be home any minute.” I asked Lia again, as I held the stool she was standing on. I glanced nervously around Dee’s bedroom.
“I’m sick of the secrecy, Grayson. I’ve asked them both about my dad dozens of times, and they just fob me off. I’m old enough to know the truth now. It’s my right to know.” She yanked a dusty box off the top of Dee’s wardrobe, wobbling as she took the weight of it. I reached up, took it off her and placed it on Dee’s bed. She jumped down, and for a few long seconds we both just stared at it. As Lia went to lift the lid, I grabbed her hand, stopping her.
“Whatever’s in there, it doesn’t change anything. It doesn’t change who you are. You know that, right?” I knew she was excited, but I couldn’t help but worry whatever was in there was going to be bad news, and I couldn’t bear to see her disappointed. She’d told me countless times about her need to know why her dad left. She’d never felt like she belonged anywhere, and she was sick of it. I wanted her to get the answers she was looking for, but surely Rosie and Dee would have told her by now if there was something positive to be found in the situation. If they were hiding something, it must be for a good reason. Lia looked at me.
“Thank you for helping me with this. I know you think it’s a bad idea to go snooping, but I need to know why he left. I need to know what was so important that he’d turn his back on his only child.” Her voice faltered, “and if there’s no good reason then, I’ll finally know it was because of me. Because he didn’t want me.” I gripped her hand tighter. If only I could find the words to tell her that if her dad spent just five minutes in her company, he’d never leave again. I wished I could make her see that he didn’t deserve her, but she pulled her hand from mine and lifted the lid. Just then, I heard the sound of tyres crunching on the gravel driveway outside.
“Crap,” I exclaimed, and I grabbed the box and climbed back up on the stool, quickly sliding the box back on top of the wardrobe while Lia tried to smooth out the now crumpled duvet so Dee wouldn’t realise we’d been in her room. We dashed back into Lia’s room, closing the door behind us. She threw herself down on the bed, letting out a long sigh as Dee called up the stairs, announcing she was back.
I lay down on the bed, and we stared up at the ceiling together. Our breathing heavy and loud in the silence of her room.
“I hate the lies, Grayson. I just want them to trust me with the truth. I wish they could see, whatever it is, I’m capable of dealing with it. I’m not a little kid anymore.” She threaded her fingers through mine, and I squeezed her hand. As I turned towards her, a small tear trickled down her cheek and onto her pillow. “Dee and my mum might not have left me, but they are lying to me. I just want the people I love to be honest with me. Is that too much to ask? I feel like my whole life is a lie sometimes.”
She’s right, she deserved the truth, and she was strong enough to deal with it. She was literally the strongest person I knew. I thought of all the times she’d been there for me when I’d had run-ins with my dad, how she cheered me up and distracted me, and, hell, even stood up to him for me.
“I’m sorry we didn’t get to look in the box, Lia. I promise I’ll help you find your answers, and for what it’s worth, I’ll never hide anything from you.” She turns onto her side to look at me.
“You promise? You promise that whatever happens, that we won’t ever lie to each other? Promise we will always be honest? Even if the truth is hard to hear?” Her stormy grey eyes searched mine, pleading with me to reassure her, and I didn’t think twice before replying,
“I promise, and I promise I will always look after you. I will always be there for you. We can be each other’s family, so whatever is going on at home, we will know we belong to each other, no matter what.”
She smiled at me, her face lighting up despite the disappointment of this afternoon. “No matter what,” she repeated softly before resting her head on my chest.
GRAYSON - PRESENT
I shove my bag in the back of my car and drive out of the school car park way faster than I should. A couple of kids literally jump out of my way as my tyres spin, kicking up the gravel in their faces. I slam my hands down on the wheel, my heart thumping in my chest. She’s gone back to Liverpool. Just like that. I’d hurt her, I knew that. And I wasn’t sure how we’d move on from it, but I thought I had time, fuck, I can’t believe she’d just leave again. Just like the last time. Like I was nothing. Like I am nothing to her. We weren’t fucking done. I slam my hands down again, and when I look up, I realise I’ve drifted onto the other side of the road. Swerving quickly back into my lane, the driver of an oncoming car honks at me furiously. If I don’t concentrate, I’m going to end up wrapping myself around a tree or worse.
I force myself to slow down, but I keep moving. The next hour, I drive around aimlessly, not paying any attention to where I am.
As the sun starts to lower in the sky, I look up and realise I’m nearly back by school again. I don’t feel like going home right now, so I pull into the student car park and park up. There are always spare trainers in my car boot, so I pull them on and lace them up tightly before heading to the empty track. I shove my headphones in and start running lengths, trying to burn off some of this rage and clear my head. Faster and faster I run, my feet pounding on the gritted track, lap after lap, until sweat drips down my back and my chest burns.
Hearing her tell Callie she was in Liverpool with her mum was like a punch to my gut. She’s gone, and it’s my fault this time. I have no one to blame but myself. As I run, I imagine how my life will look without her in it again, and suddenly, I can’t catch my breath. Stopping dead, I stoop over, my hands gripping my thighs. My heart pounds like it’s going to burst out my chest. I take deep gulps of air, trying to slow down the racing beats.
Fuck this. Fuck my dad. Fuck Charlotte. Fuck them all for trying to control my life. I can’t lose Lia again. I just can’t. I love her. Fuck, I’m so completely and utterly in love with this girl.
The promises we made to each other in her room all those years ago echo in my mind, and I hear her sweet voice like it was yesterday. We swore we’d be there for each other, and I’ve let her down in more ways than I can count.
I make a decision. Whatever it takes, I’m going to fix this. This time, I won’t let her walk away from us. I’m going to tell her the truth about everything and hope she forgives me. Even if she has no plans to ever come back here, I will make sure we stay in touch in whatever way we can. I won’t give up after one letter or one phone call. I’ll bombard her with messages. I’ll go up there and get on my knees and beg for her forgiveness, if that’s what it takes.
And not only that, I’m going to send my bastard father to jail. Damn the consequences. He’d threatened Dahlia, but if I ruin his reputation then he’ll lose any sway with the academy, and he won’t be able to do that. Better still, if I can give the police enough to put him away, he won’t have the opportunity to do anything. I know giving information to the police means I’m at risk of going down too, but so be it. At least I’ll know I did everything I could to end this. I might not end up with my girl in the way that I really want, but fuck, I’m prepared to die trying. It’s not like I have anything to lose at this point.
I jog back to my car, a renewed optimism filling me. I will take that man down, ruin his kingdom, and make him regret the monster he created in me. I smile grimly. My father is about to find out that a man with nothing left to lose, is the most dangerous man there is.
An hour later, I’m back at home, showered and ready to take on the world. The house is empty, so I take the opportunity to dig around in my father’s office. There’s plenty of evidence on my computer that could bring him down. However, it will only serve to incriminate me too, so I’ve decided the sensible thing to do is to look for some evidence of illegal activity that I have no involvement with first. If I don’t find anything, then so be it. I start with the filing cabinets, but unsurprisingly, everything looks legit. After half an hour of finding nothing, my frustration grows.
Slumped in his desk chair, I spin around, trying to think what to try next. The most obvious place is his main work computer, but that’s at his office. He has a laptop too, but it’s not on his desk, so he must have it with him. He’s a slimy bastard, but he’s not stupid. There’s no way he’d leave anything out.
I pick up the framed photograph on his desk. It’s a photo of the three of us at a theme park from years ago. The day out had been planned as a treat for my 9th birthday. I can remember it vividly. It was going well until I refused to go on a ride and he’d called me a pussy. I remember how hurt I was. He had a way of belittling me and every sly jab, each insult that tripped off his tongue, only served to crush what little self-esteem I had even more.
Back then, my mum used to defend me, but over the years, that stopped. These days, she’s too busy with her friends at the club or the salon to even notice me at all. The rejection devastated me back then, so I was beyond excited to spend the day with them both, not caring where we went, just that we were together, only to end up crying myself to sleep that night.
A few weeks later, he had that photo framed, no doubt to taunt me. The little boy that stares back, still had hope, no idea it would get so much worse. I snatch it up and launch it at the wall as hard as I can, watching with satisfaction as the glass shatters and the frame splits. In the process I’d managed to knock one of the pictures hanging on the wall, and it was now askew. It was a photo of him and his own father, the similarity between them unmistakable. My grandfather had passed away before I was born, but he constantly reminded me how good their relationship had been. I walk over to the wall and rip it down, intending to smash that one too, but I’m distracted by what’s hiding behind it. A large safe is embedded in the wall.
How did I not know this was here? My heart quickens. If there is anything to be found, this is the most likely place it’ll be. I check my watch. There’s at least another couple of hours before anyone’s due back. The lock is a number dial rather than a key. I can break into any locked file on any computer, but a locked safe is a different thing entirely. With potentially thousands of combinations, I have no chance of getting into this. On my own, anyway. I pull my phone out of my pocket.
Twenty minutes later Asher is standing next to me. “The bad news is - this bad boy is top of the range, built to withstand a bomb going off. The good news is - it’s an older model, so there’s nothing on there that will alert your dad when I open it,” he declares, a smug grin on his face.
“Confident much?” I ask him, rolling my eyes. But I know his confidence is well earned. Asher has been obsessed with code breaking and ciphers for as long as I can remember, and if he says he can get it open, then I believe him. The guy’s a freaking genius with stuff like this. I have no doubt he could get the Crown Jewels out of the Tower of London if he wanted to. And not because he has the second in line to the throne on speed dial.
