Page 57 of The Absence of You
“When we suffer an emotional trauma, often it is too much for us to process, so we compartmentalise it. We put it away, in a little box in our mind. We do this as a coping mechanism. It’s a way of not having to deal with it. And that’s okay. We’re protecting ourselves from being hurt. So when you say that you don’t feel anything about it, it may be that you do have feelings. But you have subconsciously chosen to protect yourself from those feelings. That is completely normal.
However, those feelings, whether you consciously acknowledge them or not, are having an impact on you. On your self-esteem, on your confidence, on the decisions you make each day.”
I frown. Is she right? Do my abandonment issues affect the way I live my life?
“We can talk a little more about your dad when we have the joint session with your mum if you’d like, but I can tell you categorically that your dad not being a part of your life is not because you weren’t enough. It is not because he didn’t want you. Sometimes adults have to make hard decisions that can’t be explained to a young child. Often it isn’t because they are a bad person, or they made a bad choice. It can be because there are no good choices. There are only hard ones.”
I study Dr Jenson’s face. It seems like she knows more than me, and it smarts. The thought of my mum being honest with a virtual stranger, when I’m the one who stood by her for all these years, when I’ve asked her for the truth and she’s fobbed me off over and over, leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.
“With all due respect, Dr Jenson. I’m not a child anymore. I’m eighteen, and I’ve had to be the adult at home for much longer than my age suggests. Right now, I’m the exact same age my mum was when she had me, and the exact same age as my father when he left, so I’m more than capable of understanding what a hard choice looks like.” The doctor nods at me and puts her pen down on the pad she’s been scribbling notes on.
“You’re right Dahlia. In the eyes of the law, you’re an adult. And your mum is aware of how mature you are and how much she’s relied on you over the last few years. She is aware of the sacrifices you have made.” She checks her watch. “We will revisit this in the joint session.” And just like that, she’s shut me down.
After a quick shower, I meet my mum in the dining hall for dinner. She approaches me, concern etched on her face.
“How did it go with Dr. Jenson?” I wonder how much I should say. We’re supposed to keep the heavy stuff for the supervised sessions. In the end, I settled for keeping it vague.
“It went well. We covered a lot. Not sure I could do this every day.” I laugh humourlessly and link my arm through my mum’s, pulling her over to the line that’s forming by the counters. “What’s good to eat, Mum?” She points out what to avoid and recommends the salad bar, and we’re soon tucking into dinner and catching up like the last few years haven’t happened. To an onlooker, I’m sure it looks just like your average mother-daughter relationship and right now it’s easy to pretend that’s the case and that we aren’t in a rehab facility.
“So tell me, have you caught up with Grayson since you’ve been back at Dee’s?” She looks at me, completely unaware that the secrets she made me keep ruined the friendship we had. I can’t really blame her for being naïve, I was too. She’s not the only one who thought it’d be all sunshine and roses when I went back there.
“Yes, I’ve seen him, he’s at Heathley Academy too. It’s taken a bit of time to find our feet with each other. He’s not like the Grayson I remembered. He’s…” cruel and maybe just as damaged by the last few years as I am, I think silently, “Good.” I swallow hard. “He’s amazing at swimming. He’s popular. One of the most popular guys at school. He’s seeing a girl, the head cheerleader.” The words are like acid in my mouth. I stop to spear a piece of cucumber with my fork, thinking how different this conversation might have gone if she’d have asked me two weeks ago. My feelings must not be very well hidden because my mum puts her fork down and holds my arm, stopping me from lifting the food to my mouth.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Dahlia. I know I was supposed to wait for our session with Dr Jenson to do this but I can’t wait any longer to tell you how desperately sorry I am. I messed up your life. I know that now. I thought I was doing the right thing, trying to deal with this on my own, except I wasn’t on my own. You ended up looking after me when I should have been looking after you. And I made you pull away from Dee and Grayson. Dee could have helped, I see that now. I was selfish, I didn’t want her to take you away from me as you were all I had left, and-and I’m not sure I can make it up to you, but I’m going to try.” A single tear rolls down her cheek, and she doesn’t bother to wipe it away. She looks at me so desperately, silently begging me for forgiveness.
I pass my mum a napkin to wipe her face, and I gently prise her fingers from the tight grip she has on my arm. Hearing her acknowledge that I made sacrifices goes some way to making me feel a little better, although seeing her fall apart like this is breaking my heart.
“The main thing is that you’re getting better, Mum. We need to make this stick this time. We can’t do anything about the past, so there’s not much point dwelling on it.” Her eyes light up, thinking she’s being let off the hook, but I’ve said those things to soften the blow of what I’m about to say next. My conversation with Dr Jenson this morning has made me realise I need to know the full truth about my dad. Whatever that truth is, it can’t be worse than the uncertainty.
“Dr Jenson and I talked about my dad.” I watch my mum’s face fall, and she draws in a deep breath, stalling for time.
“What did she tell you?” My mum looks positively uncomfortable now, like she wants to bolt to the nearest door.
“She didn’t tell me anything. We just talked about how him abandoning us made me feel.” I watch as the panic on her face gives way to relief. I now know without a shadow of a doubt that there is something bigger I’m missing here. My gut is telling me it’s linked to the reason she kept her attendance at Heathley Academy from me. Whatever’s going on, she has deliberately kept it from me and has no intention of telling me what it is. And it’s clear Dr. Jenson also knows more than I do. Perhaps my best chance of getting to the bottom of it is when the three of us are in a room together.
An awkward silence stretches between us, and as much as I want answers, I hate the tension between us, so I change the subject.
“Dee said to tell you she sends her love.”
“That’s nice of her. How is she?” On a whim I decide to share my concerns about her strange behaviour.
“Honestly, I’m not sure. She’s been acting a bit out of sorts recently.”
“She’s not sick is she?” My mum asks, her concern clearly evident.
“No. At least I don’t think so. She’s been getting frequent phone calls, and she just seems distracted all the time. Maybe it’s nothing, but she doesn’t seem like herself.”
“Have you asked about it?”
“No, I intended to at some point, but in the rush of coming here I didn’t get the chance. She’s so independent too. I don’t want to overstep.”
“Try not to worry too much. I know that’s easier said than done. It’s always been in your nature to care deeply about the people around you.” My mum rubs my arm.
“I hope you’re right. I know one of the calls was from a legal firm, and I hate the thought of her dealing with something serious on her own.” My mum flinches.
“A legal firm?”
“Yes. I can’t remember the name of the guy now.” My mum pales and my interest is immediately piqued. “Do you know what it’s about?”
