Page 31 of The Absence of You
“Dahlia… shit, I had no idea. I don’t know what to say.”
“It’s okay. You don’t need to say anything. She’s going to get better and with me staying here, it’s one less thing for her to worry about.”
“That’s why you didn’t come back.” Grayson states. “You couldn’t leave her.” I nod as understanding dawns on his face.
“My mum asked me not to tell Dee about her drinking…. issues, said she didn’t want her worrying about us. She didn’t want her thinking she had to help with money, or anything else.” I take a deep breath and force myself not to look away, hoping he’ll see the truth in my eyes. “I didn’t reply to the letter you sent because I could never lie to you. I kept thinking I’ll just explain it to you when I see you next. But there was never a good time to leave her on her own, with one relapse leading to the next, and before I knew it, a year had passed, and then two and then--”
“You ghosted me for three years, Dahlia. Three years. If you hadn’t been forced to come back here, would you ever have let me know what happened?” His voice is soft. The anger from our previous interactions is gone but the hurt is written all over his face and I fucking hate that I did that. I should have tried harder.
“I’m sorry.” I whisper. The two words are completely inadequate. Because the reason I cut him off isn’t as simple as I made out.
“Do you have any idea how it felt? To have you completely disappear from my life?”
“I lost my best friend too.” I whisper.
Grayson rears back.
“But you chose that Dahlia! I had no fucking choice. You just cut me off. No goodbye. Nothing. I’m sorry about your mum, but I fucking needed you too.” He shakes his head, trying to make sense of my explanation. “I wouldn't have told Dee anything about Rosie’s drinking if you'd asked me not to. Surely you know that?” He’s telling the truth. He would have kept any secret I asked him to, the same way I kept his.
“Yes, of course I know that.”
“Then why? Why the hell didn’t you at least call me?”
“I did! I called you!” The words are out of my mouth before I can stop them and a look of bewilderment clouds Grayson’s face.
“No, you didn’t.” I may as well tell him everything now because he’s not going to let this go. And maybe it’s for the best he knows the whole story, even if it doesn’t paint me in the best light. “You didn’t call me, Dahlia. I’d have remembered.”
I chew on my lip, shame that I’d thrown away our six year friendship over a single moment of resentment washing over me.
“It was about six months after the last summer I’d been down to stay. I’d finally accepted I wasn’t going to be able to come and visit and I knew I couldn’t leave it any longer without offering you any sort of explanation. And not only that. I missed you. I missed my best friend. And I knew how shitty things were with your dad, I was worried about whether things had got worse, and I hated that I hadn’t been there for you those previous few months.” I take a deep breath. “So I phoned you. Except it wasn’t you that answered your phone.”
The memory of that call is as painful today as it was at the moment it happened. I hadn’t heard my best friend's voice for months. I had imagined he was missing me as much as I missed him. Only he wasn’t and I couldn’t bear it.
“What do you mean? Who answered it?”
“I don’t know who it was. A girl. Charlotte maybe? I asked to speak to you and she said you were busy. I asked her to let you know I’d called.” I’d been guessing it was her but Grayson doesn’t correct me. “You didn’t call me back, and I never tried to call you again.”
“Dahlia. I, fuck. I had no idea. I would have called you back if I’d known.” I believe him. But fifteen-year-old me just saw Grayson had moved on. He wasn’t lonely. He wasn't missing me. He had new friends. Friends that answered his phone. He didn’t need me anymore and in truth, it was easier to cut him off then watch him move on. I was hurt and to my shame, jealous.
In the years afterwards I knew the most likely explanation was that she didn't pass on the message. He didn’t know I’d called him that day so he didn't return my call, and I didn’t phone again so he went on believing I never even tried.
“You had every right to move-”
“Dahlia! Are you down here?” Callie’s voice echoes down the corridor, cutting me off. “Oh, there you are… I was getting worried. Thought Coach Swanson might have had you doing laps now that you’re a superstar in the pool.” Callie stops and looks between us, clearly picking up on the sombre mood.
“I think we both know there’s not much danger of that.” I laugh softly, walking towards her.
“Dahlia, wait,” Grayson calls after me. I turn to look at him. “It’s supposed to be me teaching you to swim. Let me take over from Callie. I’m an excellent teacher. No offence.” He nods towards Callie.
“Hey! I’ll have you know I’m a great coach. Isn’t that right, Winters?”
She is, but having an excuse to spend more time with Grayson definitely appeals.
Before I have a chance to say anything, Grayson speaks. “Please Lia. Let me help you with this.” The sound of him using my childhood nickname has me holding back a grin. It has to mean something, so I agree to him taking over my coaching. A weight feels like it is lifted off my chest.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
GRAYSON
