Page 21 of The Absence of You
Ipass the two of them in the corridor on my way to my locker. Grayson is standing behind Charlotte, his arms loosely wrapped around her waist. He leans down, whispering in her ear. Well, that answers any questions I had about how serious it is between the two of them. As much as I’d prepared myself for it, it doesn’t make it any easier to watch. I shake out my fingers, realising I’d been clenching my hands. If things had been different, could that have been us? The jealousy is eating me up inside. It’s not like I didn’t expect him to have friends, or to have his own life while I was away. But expecting it and seeing it, turns out to be two different things entirely. The hardest bit is the tenderness he’s showing her. He cares about her.
I had a few friends back home, even a couple of brief relationships, but I was never particularly close with any of them. None of those connections had ever lived up to the one Grayson and I had as children. Even back then, it had felt like more than just a childhood friendship. It was like a kinship, and a part of me always believed it was the same for him. I sigh. If I was a better person I’d be happy for him, knowing he has experienced happiness again, even if I haven’t.
With trembling hands, I twist the padlock on my locker until it clicks open. Grabbing everything I need for my next class, I shove it into my bag as a voice behind me startles me.
“Hey new girl, Dahlia, right?”
“Hi, Meghan.” I say, my heart sinking.
“So it’s Charlotte’s birthday on Friday and she’s having a party at her family’s weekend lodge. Do you want to come? It’s a costume party so everyone is dressing up. The sluttier the better.” She adds, looking me up and down. I wonder why Charlotte isn’t inviting me herself.
I try to think of an excuse that doesn’t sound like I’ve made it up on the spot. But then I glance over her shoulder to see Charlotte laughing at something Grayson is saying and another piece of my heart fractures. He looks up and meets my eyes before quickly looking away.
Charlotte’s party is the last thing I feel like doing, and I’m not really sure why she’d want me there. I’d quickly figured out it was the two of them I heard slagging me off in the girls’ bathroom on the first day, so I’m under no illusions about their opinions of me. But I need to try to fit in if I’m going to make it through to graduation. This is the first social invitation I’ve had since I started at the school almost a month ago.
“Erm, okay thanks. Can you message me the address?” I show her my number.
“Don’t you live next door to Grayson? He can bring you.” She retorts with a slight smirk on her face. I wonder how she knows that considering he publicly rebuffed me in the hallway on the first day and since then he’s been actively avoiding me.
“It’s okay - I can make my own way there.” Callie didn’t mention the party when we were chatting yesterday, and I wonder if she is going, “Is it okay if I bring someone?”
“Sure, and don’t forget about the costumes.” She calls over her shoulder as she walks away.
I have a free period next, so I head to the library and spot Callie in the corner using one of the state-of-the-art computers. Seeing me approach, she closes down whatever she’s looking at and smiles.
“Hey Dahlia, want a study buddy?”
“Yes please.” I start unpacking my books onto the table next to her. “Are you going to Charlotte’s party on Friday night?”
Callie raises her eyebrows.
“Nope. That’s not my scene, at all.” She pulls a couple of books out of her bag and throws them down next to mine. “Please tell me you aren’t planning on going?” I stick my bottom lip out and do my best puppy dog eyes at her.
“Will you come with me? I need to make an effort to get to know people. It might be good to let loose a bit, but I can’t face going on my own.”
“For the record, I think this is a terrible idea, but for some reason, I find it hard to say no to you.”
“So that’s a yes, then?” I fist pump the air while Callie shakes her head and stifles a laugh. I decide I’d better wait until later to tell her about the costumes, I don’t want to push my luck.
Chapter Nineteen
GRAYSON
AGE 16
Charlotte and I had been ‘dating’ for almost a year, and she was pushing for something more physical. I’d been making excuses. I put her off for months, saying I wanted to wait until she was sixteen for it to be legal. But it was bullshit, really. My heart wasn’t in it. She was attractive enough, but I’d always thought my first time would be with someone else. For a long time, I’d held onto the hope Dahlia would come back. As a kid, I had a stupid fantasy that one day we’d grow up and get married and live happily ever after. In the back of my mind I’d figured one day I’d lose my virginity to her. But it had been eighteen months since I’d seen or heard from her, and she’d obviously cut me out of her life.
I downed the drink in the red solo cup Charlotte had given me, relishing the burn of whatever unidentifiable spirit it contained. I’m already wasted. It was how I’d gotten through most parties and weekends this year. I knew it wasn’t wise and probably wasn’t helping with my swimming times, but it was easier than being present at these things.
As long as I gave the impression I was out here enjoying life, and Charlotte was happy, then by default it kept Justin Sloan and my piece of shit father happy too. She stood up from the sofa and pulled me up with her. I staggered after her into her bedroom at her parents’ lodge. I needed to get this over and done with. I knew that. Charlotte would go running to her dad, claiming I’m not keeping my side of the deal if I didn’t do this.
I stood next to the bed as Charlotte unbuttoned my shirt, eventually taking over from her. She undressed next to me. She was wearing skimpy red lacy underwear that showed off her figure and yet it did literally nothing for me. There was nothing wrong with her, and I knew she deserved better than this, but whether it happened today or next month, I’d accepted this was inevitable.
Within twenty minutes, it was over. I tied off the used condom and dropped it into the bin next to her bed. Grabbing my pants and shirt off the floor, I got dressed quickly and left while I could hear her showering off in the ensuite.
I was a piece of shit. We both knew it, but ultimately, this would be another thing that happened in my disappointing life that no longer felt like my own.
GRAYSON – PRESENT
