Page 17 of The Absence of You
But I am getting paid, so I head to the counter and pull up the list of internet orders from the last couple of days. There are twelve books that are waiting to be packed up for the courier, so I will start with those.
It doesn’t take me long to work out the order system for the second-hand section, so I do those first. The new books are all for the same customer and are all covering the same subject, so I take only a few minutes to find them in the specialist reference sections. Huh, who knew there were that many textbooks on the Ming Dynasty? I pack them up in one box and print and attach the label.
I’m on my knees behind the counter, packing up the books for the in-store collection orders, when the bell on the shop door dings. My first customer. Please let it be something easy. I plaster a big smile on my face and hope my nerves don’t show.
“Good afternoon, welcome to ‘Brooks’ Bookstore’. Can I help you with anything?” I stand up, smoothing down my blouse. Oh shit. The man standing in front of me isn’t just any customer. It’s Grayson. And he’s not pleased to see me, judging by his expression.
“It’s you.” He inserts more disgust into those two words than I thought was possible. As children, we’d been in this bookshop together more times than I can count, but I’d not considered that he might still come here. He glances around, “Where’s Beth?”
“She’s not here at the moment. Can I help?” He tilts his head, looking me up and down before answering me.
“I need to collect a book I ordered.” Right, that I can do. I lean down to get the list I’d been working from off the floor. Sure enough, the last name on the list is G. Banks. The book is a corporate law reference book. I wonder if Law is one of the other A-levels he’s studying. I can’t remember him ever being interested in law growing up, but then I have no idea what he’s into these days. According to the list Beth printed off for me, we have the book in stock, so it will be on the shop floor.
“I’ll get it for you. Please have a seat.” I gesture towards the armchairs and head deeper into the store. My eyes run along the bookcases until I locate his book. I won’t need the step ladders, but it’s on one of the higher shelves. Just as I stretch up on my tiptoes, I sense Grayson behind me. My fingers close on the spine of the book just as he reaches over me to grasp it. His fingers brush over mine, and a jolt of electricity runs through me. I pull back at the same time he does, and the book falls down, narrowly missing my head. He catches it before it hits the floor.
“Fuck's sake, you’re still as clumsy as ever.” When we were kids, he and Dee would forever tease me for my clumsiness. But he’s not teasing me. He’s saying it as an insult, disdain on his face. It’s on the tip of my tongue to bite back that if he hadn’t snuck up behind me, I wouldn’t have dropped it, but I keep my mouth shut. I need to stay professional. I cannot afford to mess up on my first day. Grayson is clearly still a regular customer, so I don’t want him going back to Beth and telling her I don’t know what I’m doing.
The old version of me, the one he remembers, wouldn’t have been intimidated by anyone so I’m sure he’s expecting me to snipe back at him. He watches me, waiting for my reaction, but I refuse to give him the satisfaction, and I stay quiet. My back is to the bookshelves and although he’s not touching me, I’m as good as pinned there by how close he’s standing. He holds the book in both hands, up against his chest, and I notice his knuckles are white with how hard he’s gripping it. The air is now thick with tension between us. I can’t help but seek out his beautiful blue eyes, but when I try to make eye contact, I realise his gaze is focused on my mouth.
My nipples involuntarily stiffen, and my panties dampen. I’d never experienced this rush of blatant physical attraction to anyone before. It’s heady and despite knowing how mad he is at me, the way he is staring at my mouth right now, makes me wonder if he has ever thought about me in that way.
My mind wanders to the other night. To him kissing Charlotte on his doorstep. Reality slaps me in the face. He isn’t thinking about me like that. He has a fucking girlfriend. A beautiful, popular girlfriend. He’s in a relationship that looks serious.
“I’m…sorry.” I choke out. I’m not sure if I’m apologising for my inappropriate thoughts or for the book nearly being damaged, or if I’m attempting to apologise for not looking back when I left three years ago. But whatever they mean, my words seem to startle him out of the trance he’s in, and he steps back.
GRAYSON
It takes everything in me to stop myself throwing this fucking textbook across the room and pinning her against that shelf. To stop myself from grabbing her wrists and holding them above her head while I ravish her perfect mouth. To stop myself kicking her legs wider apart and shoving my hand inside her jeans to see how wet for me she is.
I’m in no doubt that she wants me. Everything she is thinking is written on her face. Her pupils dilate in her wide grey eyes. Her tongue darts out to run along her bottom lip and there is a subtle uptick in her breathing. She’s never been able to hide her feelings from me, not then and not now. I’m fully aware if she were to let her eyes drift lower, she’d be in no doubt about what she’s doing to me right now either. My erection is straining painfully against my zipper, trying to fucking punch its way out. Fuck her for making me want her.
I hate her for leaving me. I hate her for never considering how I felt. And I hate her for coming back here and reminding me so vividly of what we had.
I should have let her get the book for me, and then I should have just left the shop as quickly as possible. But my body had other ideas, and it followed her back here, as though she was wearing a fucking tracking device or something. And when I saw her stretching to reach the book, and her shirt lifted enough to see the curve of her waist, my mouth watered for a taste of her perfect skin.
I take a step away from her, but the way she’s still looking at me is doing nothing to break the connection between us.
“Will you let me explain?” She pleads, taking a step towards me.
“You stopped coming.” The shake in my voice betrays my calm façade.
“I did. But I was only fourteen. I didn’t have a choice. I had to stay at home with my mum. She’s the only family I have and -”
“Fuck you, Dahlia,” I hiss at her angrily. “What about Dee? She’s your family too.” And what about me? I desperately wanted her to give me a reason to forgive her, so I can stop hating her, but there is nothing she could say that would justify the way she left me. She’s about to speak again, but her focus is drawn over my shoulder.
“Dahlia? Grayson? Is everything okay?” I must have missed the bell, signalling the door opening. I turn towards the familiar voice.
Beth is looking at us, curiosity etched on her face. I wonder how much she heard. She knows me well enough to assume I’m not in here causing trouble, but there’s uncertainty on her face, as though she’s trying to work out whether she should be intervening.
“Everything is fine, Beth, thanks. I’m just collecting my order.” I lift my book to show her. Beth looks to Dahlia who nods in confirmation.
“Yes, he’s collecting his book, and we were looking to see if there was anything else he’d be interested in.” The atmosphere is painfully awkward as the three of us head back to the front of the store. I sign the receipt to say I’ve received my order, and Beth, satisfied I’m not in here making trouble, makes an excuse to go into the stock room.
“Can we meet up and talk some more please, Grayson?” Dahlia asks me after Beth is out of hearing distance. But my anger is out in full force again after her declaration that her mum was her only family.
I wonder if any of it was real. Our past had been everything to me, but maybe to her it was always meaningless. I feel like my memories are a lie. I gave her a chance, and she offered no explanation. Giving her more time to explain won’t change anything.
“I’m not interested in anything you have to say. Stay the fuck away from me.” You should find that easy enough. You’ve had plenty of practice. I storm out of the store without looking back.
