Page 108 of Disturbing the Dead
I shake my head. “That’s not how it happened. I came back.”
“You…?”
“Came back. I…”
I want to make an excuse. I came back to solve the case. I came back because, if I didn’t, Selim Awad would end up on the gallows.
I want to duck and weave and avoid admitting that I came back because I wanted to. How do I say that?
I came back because I’m happy here.
I came back because I belong here.
I came back for Isla, for the investigations, for the work.
I came back for you.
I remember once when I called him a friend, he said I made such admissions sound easy. They can be, if they are straightforward enough. If they don’t risk too much.
“I came back,” I say simply. “There was an opportunity, and I didn’t think it would work, but I made a choice.”
“So you can go back and forth now? Travel from your time to ours?”
Can I? Is it possible? I push past that thought. I must commit wholeheartedly to this. “No. It… it was probably a one-way ticket. Can we talk about something else?”
He stares at me. “Something else?”
“Anything else. Please? I just want…” I stand and brush down my nightgown. “I’d like to get back to work.”
“You’ve been unconscious for two days. You were nearly killed.”
“But I wasn’t. Killed, that is. I should get dressed. We have work to do.”
“Mallory? You—”
“Has Selim been accused of attacking me?”
“Yes. He was spotted leaving the tunnel after your attack. You need not worry about that. Hugh is hunting for him and—”
“It wasn’t Selim. You said someone spotted him leaving the tunnel? Lord Muir, right? That’s who attacked me. We need to get word to Hugh—”
“Mallory, please. Sit down. Let me at least examine you. You’ve been unconscious—”
“For two days. Got it.” I meet his gaze. “I’m moving too fast. I know that. I’m pretending everything is fine, when I’ve just boomeranged between times and chosen to give up everything to come back here, and that’s huge. Really huge. But I can’t deal with it right now, okay? To you, I’ve been unconscious for two days. To me, I woke up in my world, where it was only two days since I left, and my nan was still alive. I sat with her while she died. I went to her funeral. And then my parents told me they’d understand if I wanted to come back here, to maybe never see them again, and I… I did it and that’s…”
I inhale sharply. “I can’t deal with it, and if you force me to face all that, I’m going to be as useless as I was lying in that bed. I’m back. I’m not going anywhere. Am I fine? Hell, no, I’m absolutely not fine.”
I look up at him. “But I need time to work this through, and in the meanwhile, I’d like to solve this case before Selim Awad ends up on the gallows. Okay?”
Silence. The ugly silence that tells me I’ve overshared. That I’ve made Gray uncomfortable with my honesty.
“I…” He rubs at his throat, and his gaze shifts to the side, and I’m ready to leap in and make a joke or divert however I can when he says, “I thought you were gone. Really and truly gone. I… I thought I’d lost you.”
“Oh.”
Shame washes over me. Yes, I’ve just spent four days in an emotional whirlwind. And yes, I want to lose myself by diving into work. But it’s not as if Gray’s been here, carrying on as usual. He’s spent two days waiting to see whether I’ll wake up… and if the person who wakes up is actually me.
I rub my hands over my face. “I’m sorry. Of course, you didn’t know who might return, and either way, you’ve had an unconscious patient for two days. You need rest.”
