Page 54 of Watch Her Bleed
“Uhm….” I start but emotion threatens to take over. “I’m sorry. I’ve never said a lot of this out loud before.”
“Take your time,” Josh says. “No one is in any rush.”
“I uh… Enzo started… touching me when I was ten. At first, it started small but it escalated fast. By the time I was eleven…” I stop abruptly and close my eyes. Matt cups my cheek and I open my eyes to look at him.
“What will make this easier for you?” he asks, wiping my tears away.
“I still feel like I’ve done something wrong,” I say as my voice breaks.
“Why?” he asks.
“Because… Enzo and Dad… Paul… When it first started, they would tell me if I said anything then I’d get all of us in trouble,” I say. “I know that’s not true, but it doesn’t stop me from feeling like it’s my fault.”
“I know you understand this, but I’ll say it for peace of mind,” Josh says and I turn to him. “Nothing you say in here will get you in trouble. Okay?”
“Okay,” I say. “I know that's ridiculous.”
“It’s PTSD,” Dax says carefully. “Those with PTSD often do know the difference between what is driven by their trauma and what is true, but the trauma tends to be far more convincing than logic.”
“At least I know I’m not crazy,” I say.
“You’re not crazy,” he says with a soft smile.
“So, when you were eleven?” Josh asks.
“By the time I was eleven… It was basically everything besides actual penetration.”
“Can you be more specific?” he asks.
“Uhm… He didn’t rape me until I was thirteen,” I say.
“Of any form?” he asks.
“Uh… Oral… That was when I was twelve,” I answer with a shaky voice.
“Okay. So, the first time he raped you was when you were thirteen?” Josh asks. His questions are simple, but they help me move forward without freezing up.
“Y-yeah,” I say. “The first time he did it was the same time Paul and Rita caught him. Paul knew about him touching me, but they didn’t actually see anything until that first time.” I can’t focus on anything other than the detectives because they are the only ones not in tears.
“What did they say?” he asks.
“Nothing,” I answer. “I basically begged them to make him stop… But they just walked out and shut the door.” This is my first comment that affects Josh. He takes a second before he continues to ask me questions.
“How often did they see it and do nothing?”
“Rita didn’t see it as much. I think they both knew when it happened, so Rita just avoided that part of the house. Paul though… He uh… He saw it often.”
“How often?”
“Nearly every time it happened when I lived there,” I say. “Sometimes he would….”
“Oh God,” Kaia sighs.
“Would what?” Josh asks.
“He would get himself off while Enzo raped me,” I say bluntly. “He never touched me like that, but he and Rita both would help him corner me.”
“How so?” Celina asks when Josh doesn’t say anything.
