Page 117 of Dating and Other Theories
He murmured her name softly, drawing moans and sighs from her as his hands explored the planes of her body. As they came together, she gazed into his beautiful blue eyes, defenseless. Overpowered by emotion. Swept away on a wave of bliss.
I love him, Esther thought afterward as she lay in the cradle of Jonathan’s arms. The knowledge burned in her chest like a supernova. It was both miraculous and terrifying. Part of her ached to say the words aloud, but another, much bigger part of her quaked in fear at the idea.
She didn’t trust her own emotions, and she certainly didn’t trust this new thing that was happening between them. This relationship. She didn’t do relationships. She didn’t even know how they were supposed to work. She had no experience to guide her.
What if she wasn’t ever able to say the L-word? Or what if she said it, and it scared him away? What if he didn’t love her back? He’d said he loved her weeks ago, but that had been in the face of her rejection. An attempt to win her back. Maybe he hadn’t meant it. Or maybe he had, but he didn’t anymore. He hadn’t said it again since, which could mean he didn’t feel that way about her anymore.
“Hey.” He nuzzled into her hair, pressing his nose against the back of her neck.
“Hmmm?”
“You got all tense all of a sudden. You okay?”
“Yeah.”
He pushed himself up onto one elbow and rolled her over onto her back, studying her face in the soft lamplight. His brow furrows had returned in full force. “No freaking out on me. You aren’t having regrets, are you?”
She pressed her fingertips to his forehead, and the creases melted away at her touch. “No regrets.” She didn’t want him thinking she was about to bolt again. She wasn’t going to do that. If she was going to screw this up, she’d undoubtedly find a new and different way to do it. One neither of them were prepared for.
“Scared?” He knew her too well. How had that happened?
“Maybe a little.” It was a big admission for her. She was trying. “But not of you.”
“Then what?”
Myself. That she wasn’t cut out for this. That she wouldn’t be able to give him what he needed. That he’d realize he wanted more and leave her. That she’d open herself up to him and end up alone.
Her eyes skated away from his. “I’m just feeling…overwhelmed, I guess. This is all new to me.”
He lay on his side and propped his head in his hand. His fingers interlaced with hers on her stomach. “What is?”
“Caring about someone.”
His face broke open. She was never going to get over that smile of his. “Oh, well, it’s not that tricky.” He brought her hand to his lips. “You’ve got good instincts. You’ll pick it up as you go along.”
She could feel her heart stretching as she looked at him. Making even more room. Somehow, he’d crept into her dark crevices and dusted out the cobwebs, filling in her sharp corners with his tenderness. Maybe everything would be okay. Maybe they’d be able to do this together.
She turned toward him and pressed a hand against his face. His eyes fluttered closed as she stroked his beard. So much like a cat.
“You look different without your glasses.”
His eyes opened again. “Different good or different bad?”
“Good. I feel like I’m getting to see Secret Jonathan. The real you, that no one else gets to see.”
He leaned over to brush his lips against hers. “I still can’t believe—” He broke off, smiling and shaking his head.
“What?”
“Nothing.” He looked smug. Like someone with a secret.
“Tell me. What can’t you believe?”
His fingers traced the line of her jaw. “Do you know how long I’ve wanted to kiss you?”
“How long?”
“Since the very first moment I met you. I’ll bet you don’t even remember it.”
